I cannot believe I am about to say this to you. I really thought it would not happen. I am so saddenned and ahamed that I almost kept all of this a big secret but, here goes friends....
After over 40 days under my belt I relapsed.
As I write this I am crying, feeling heartbroken..... I am so sorry to myself, to each of you, to my beloved suppport network, to the earth.... I am really feeling so much shame and anguish over this. I was on top of the world there for awhile and my support base (esp my beloved boyfriend) was celebrating me.... I can't believe I traded all that in for the demon. And now I must start again, reset my counter and renew my commitment. Please. please, please help me do this by sending anything you can- love, wisdom, information, links, silliness, even some scolding.
Here's whats up~ I recently relocated back to Manhattan and started grad school= am living away from my boyfriend now and we hardly get to see each other... am not online at home so I haven't been able to check in with ya'll, my Mom had breast cancer surgery (she's doing well...thank god) and some of my most potent triggers are back in my face with no one 'watching'/..... funny how in a sea of millions you can really feel able to be anonymous and indulgent- like you are invisible....
Starting grad school ~ This is an exciting time in my life and I feel I just kind of pooped on it. (Yucky, but thats how it feels.) The overwhelming newness in my life had me feel a little lost and anxious... then somehow I turned to the toxic familiar. I can't believe it.
It is REALLY going to break my heart to change that counter clock on my site today, am sobbing just thinking about that- and I never want to feel this way again.
As I said some weak part of me wanted to hard this information from you, from everyone, but I realized there is no purpose in that.
So, here I am... ashamed and asking for your forgiveness and support.
I am so sorry to let all of us down. Have to start ALL over again.
To any of you thinking of caving---- please know it is SOOOOO NOT WORTH IT.
Thanks for listening. Hope you are all well. Please allow me back in the loop:)
Blessings~ Aly
