American Spirits : Saying Goodbye is Never Easy

[maggiecuda]

I'm shocked at how difficult it has been to distangle my identity from my American Spirit Blues.  I had been smoking AS exclusively for about 5 years.  I preferred them as a young, "green-minded" person, and for the fact that each one took about 7 minutes to burn through.  They seemed to have less of a chemical flavor than other brands, burning slower and longer.  I would go well out of my way to find them, and would pay $8.00/pack every other day...or less.  I couldn't afford gas, but would make the cash to buy my AS.

I have tried to quit before.  This resulted in me frantically smoking any butts I could salvage, even if they were a one-puff wonder.  Sometimes less.  And they always tasted like SHIT.  I would end up buying a couple of packs, sometimes an extra, to avoid this.  I would save cigarettes I hadn't burned to the filter and keep them in a separate ashtray for just such occassions.

I'm 26 years old, and very vain.  I rarely drink.  I've smoked my share of marijuana, but have stayed away from other drugs.  I kept telling myself, "as long as I quit before 20..."  I can't say that I care all that much about lung cancer, or rather, that it is an active concern.  My two main concerns are #1: vanity & #2: money.  Yes, it's gross to smell like an ashtray, but in all honesty, it's a smell I've secretly loved since childhood (along with gasoline, go figure).  The idea of looking in the mirror at a puckered face full of wrinkles is what gets me.  And also, when I'm too broke to buy literally anything, or have a hard time bringing myself to purchase something that's "too expensive," I'll see it in terms of its value in cigarettes.  That's always depressing.

I created an account at QuitNet.com this afternoon.  Know what it told me?  That I had already created an account.  A year and a half ago.  With a quit date at that time. 

Well, this hasn't been the smoothest of journals.  I'm at 48 hours now and it just stinks.  The cravings, the irritability, are just terrible.  Keep sucking hard candy and reading about cravings, and all the other great emotions/physiological events that go along with smoking cessation.  I was planning on doing this cold turkey, but have been researching long-term success rates and it would appear that some kind of nicotine replacement might help.  Have made an appointment with Public Health for tomorrow AM to get hooked up with some lozenges.  I have used an electronic cigarette in the past.  I got to the point where I would "smoke" that, solely, and even to where I had weaned myself off of that.  I started again with a free mind.  That was a year ago.

This is depressing.  AS were like a (best) friend.  I can't believe I feel such an affinity with a brand...but I do!  Golden psychological marketing right there. 

Going to pop another hard candy, drink another cup of green tea, and watch television.  I bought some great facial products, a new toothbrush, and am trying to use them as continued motivation.  Figure that as I watch my skintone improve and my teeth whiten, it'll strengthen me.

I DREAMT OF SMOKING TWICE LAST NIGHT.

I have wanted someone to cross me all day so I could have an excuse to bring a beat-down.

Best friend, favorite enemy- AS.

[maggie_8-1-2010]

Such an interesting blog you've written. Thank you for being so open and sharing. Congratulations on your decision to quit smoking and better yet, congrats on readching 2 days smoke free!  Have you been introduced to http://quitsmokingonline.com/ yet?  It offeres much information about nicotine addiction and a very positive approach to quitting. even tho you've already started your quit you may find it useful. I didn't start reading it until about 2 weeks into my own quit.  Just a reminder - don't forgoet to drink plenty of water and juice!  You are doing great!  Keep it up and protect your quit at all times. Around here we say NOPE (not one puff ever). Have a nice evening!

[Mary155]

Yea, vanity, I know that one all too well.  It was my other vice- laziness that kept me from stopping at a store 2 get a pack of smokes that helped me quit.  If I didn't have em I couldn't smoke em.  Call your best friend, favorite enemy a better name instead of as and attach another s, maybe you'll look at them in a different light.  Break the romance.  u can do it. All the best on your new journey.

[lilmom88]

I am glad to see you spent some money on yourself,  some new facial products and toothbrush. I did that also. My duaghter told me the other day how much my complexion has improved since I quit smoking. I ordered some new Mary Kay makeup over the weekend. I use to have big red blotches on my face and you could see the veins. Really improved. I have been quit for a little over 30 days now, and I know it is not easy. I laid in bed last night and could not sleep, cigarettes were on my mind all night. I dont want one, just on my mind, really wierd.

[hwc]

At 48 hours, you are within one day of having all the nicotine out of your system and then the drug withdrawal starts to get a little easier, day by day by day. In my opinion, the last thing you want to do on day 3 is start using nicotine again. The nicotine addiction is why you smoke.

Do yourself a favor. Instead of popping nicotine lozenges, spend the next two days listening to these. You can even download them to your iPod or phone:

http://whyquit.com/joel/mp3/listen.html

If you can handle a few days of suck getting your wisdom teeth out, you can handle a few days of suck to gain a whole life of freedom from living as a nicotine junkie.

[maggiecuda]

Wow, thank you four so much for your comments and encouragement.  I had no idea anyone would come across this; if I had known, I would have tried to make it more interesting.

Maggie: I'll bookmark that site right now, thank you so much!  Every time I feel a craving, I look for sites like that to distract me... and to make me focus on the bigger picture. 

The weirdest part is not wanting to smoke, but wanting the chemical reaction.  Know what I mean?  Pure physical nicotine wihdrawals at this point, I guess.  Like I don't necessarily want the feeling of a cigarette in my hand, but want what I know that brings on a deeper level.

Mary: EXACTLY!  The laziness part is what got me smoking butts for a few days this year.  The romance is so compelling.  I know that's sick, but I'm being honest.  I'm a musician/photographer, and smoking seemed "natural" in that creative kind of way.  Trying to redefine that image.

lilmom: Congratulations!  I really recommend an alpha hydroxy cream for your complexion... there's an affordable 12% formulation called Alpha Hydrox Souffle that has really great reviews; I just started using it and will update you after a week or so.  It's basically a mild daily peel (suitable for sensitive skin), so your skin really starts glowing after just a couple of uses.  I'm hoping that if I concentrate on my skin and get it looking its best, it will help me to continue staying away from cigarettes.  The dreaming thing sucks.  I woke up thinking I had slipped.

hwc: Thank you so much for your input.  I was thinking the same thing.  I have been reading so much and came across statistics showing those using a nicotine-replacement method are more successful in the long-term.  I don't necessarily feel the need to go that route, but I want to maximize my chance of success.  I have talked to a few doctors about this, and they have maintained that nicotine, in and of itself, is not harmful.  Addictive- yes.  Physically harmful- no.  One even used lozenges to help her "focus," and wasn't a smoker.  My issue with that is essentially remaining a nicotine slave, minus the cigarettes.  Have you heard of that iPhone hypnosis app?  Not sure if it's successful as a method of hypnosis (maybe it is), but it certainly is relaxing and motivating.  Can't argue with that.  Will look into your link, thank you so much for posting it.

Again, thank you so much for your support, and best wishes on your journey!   

[maggiecuda]

Oh, and I re-read my entry (heh) and I meant to say that I would tell myself "quit before 30."  Not 20.  That ship has sailed.

Do you guys and gals get pissed when people in the real world ask about your progress?  Especially non-smokers?  Is this just a temporary manifestation of my extreme irritability?

Thank you!

[hwc]

A doctor told you nicotine wasn't harmful? It's an insecticide poision. Relatively small doses can kill you. I'd say that's "harmful".

To permanently kick smoking, you have to eventually stop using nicotine. Otherwise, you'll end up back smoking because the addiction will still make you its slave. At 48 hours, you've taken the best punch nicotine withdrawal can hit you with. Might as well ride it out for another day and be done with it once and for all. It's not over after three days, but you'll turn the corner and each day will be a little better than the one before it. It takes about two weeks for your brain chemistry changes to revert back to normal non-addict.

[maggiecuda]

I doubt my doctors were advocating ingesting nicotine in overtly toxic amounts.  Instead, they were promoting using NRTs as a safer, albeit quite addictive, method of obtaining nicotine and quitting cigarettes.

I do thank you for your response.  I just posted another entry about the prejudice I have noticed against those who choose to use NRTs as part of their decision to quit cigarettes.  After reading more and more studies, namely those that weren't endorsed by drug companies, I decided to continue my route of cold-turkeying it up.  And it's worked.  I feel great, minus about two moderately strong cravings each day.  I really believe that NRTs are Big Pharma's way of preying on people's vulnerability and fears, and a subconscious way of underming people: "You're not strong enough to do this on your own."