Ain't gonna lie....

[Bonnie]

I've been having a lot of whatever you call them after two years smokefree...not a craving, not an urge, not anything as horrible as physical withdrawal was, but I've been having more than I want to have...those "thoughts"....DANG!  The addictive brain has been altered permanently...I can certainly vouch for that these days.  I have always known that I was very emotionally addicted to cigs...every relapse was triggered by some emotional trauma (or perceived trauma).  From the very beginning, I coped with my emotions with nicotine, that's actually why I started smoking...which meant I didn't really deal with my emotions at all.  I learned how to do that over the past two years (with a LOT of help from my EX family) and here, now, after a relatively smooth ride through year two....here they come, those thoughts, those damn thoughts...and why, why are they coming NOW?

I'll tell you why.  Couple reasons...First of all and it's really a head-shaker but after 70+ years on this earth I know myself a little bit and when things GET GOOD, I mean where there hasn't been some kind of crisis for a couple months (I used to tell myself that if my family didn't have a crisis for 3 months, I could quit smoking for good...LOL!!!! Well, that was a guarantee I could keep smoking back then!), I start looking over my shoulder and deep-down, start preparing for what is to come. My history tells me that if it's been good for a little while, it's not going to be good for very much longer.  

My life is good right now.  Finances have always been a huge factor in my life and it was really SCARY to quit my part-time incredibly stressful minimum wage job, but it got to the point where physically and mentally I just had to quit.  Knew I wasn't going to make it through another holiday season of retail madness.  So...I quit my job...Well, now I know that I "retired".  Due to the Great Recession, I wasn't afforded the opportunity to voluntarily retire from a job and have been at loose ends since then.  Caregiver, volunteer, preschool worker (where my leg got broken), on disability...blah, blah, blah, sad story, had to sell my home of 26 years where I poured all my creative energy, first escrow fell through, more sad story, blah, blah, blah, but I had my cigs to see me through and God knows I needed something.  So...fast forward to today...Things are good.  I've owned my little trailer for almost 5 years...hard to believe...never even did the touchup painting that needed to be done after I moved in because I had the fear that if I got everything "just so" I would lose this place like I lost my beloved "big house" after I finally had the funds to remodel the kitchen and finally get a dishwasher, etc.  Amazing the wounds that experiences can burn into your brain, your heart, your soul...But if you smoke to deal with the pain, you never really get over it.  THIS IS WHAT I LEARNED THE FIRST YEAR OF MY QUIT.  So...I bore the pain, the pain of the past, the stress of the present, the worry about the future.  It didn't kill me. I had the help of my friends here, and I didn't pick up.  I moved on, I gained self-respect, and I put my "big girl panties on" (at 70, finally!) and started dealing with what I could and turning the rest over to GOD.  Plain and simple.  Simple but not easy.

So...I quit my job and couldn't face looking for another...Really, look for jobs on Craigslist and careerbuilder.com and send out my resume?  Not this time.  This time I'm gonna turn the whole darn thing over and just enjoy the present.  Seriously.  Got a little savings...I can always sell my "coach" and buy a car I can live in and get me another pitbull (I miss having a dog).  And travel...miss that...always an option..there's ALWAYS an option.  and as long as I felt HOPE and didn't feel HOPELESS (just realized that relapsing on cigs always made me feel so awfully HOPELESS), life was good.  I had my health and with most people I know my age having so many health issues or already gone, oh my goodness, I had something to be grateful for every day.  Every morning that I woke up.  And I wasn't smoking to "deal" with life.

Oh, I'm so rambling...Blogging is journaling, right?  And now that I have my laptop back (it wasn't in good shape for a couple months) I'm so happy just to type away...So...I turned my whole situation over to God.  Left Barnes and Noble on Friday, Sept. 13th (Friday the 13th has been a lucky day for me), and it actually took me a long time to recover.  I had been there a year and a half.  My sister with retail experience told me she was really proud of me to have lasted that long.  Had to deal with the fear of financial insecurity big time.  But my faith never wavered and I just rested and prayed and stayed positive.  Had a great holiday season.  Relationships with both my daughters better than they have ever been since I can remember.  Grandson got a darling rescue dog that I got to take care of the first week he was home while his family was at work and school.  Get to pick my granddaughter up at school on Tuesdays and go to gymnastics with her.  Have the energy to be more involved with my church (am going to sing with the Worship Team starting this month...big deal for me to sign up).  The finances aren't great, but they're better than I predicted.  I've committed to my tiny home and have a lot of projects planned...even ideas to make some $ (always loved being self-employed more than working for someone else...usually had a business AND a job with a paycheck at the same time, until I got divorced).

So..things are good...and I want to smoke.  First reason?  Because things are going well.  My background has programmed me to be highly anxious when things go well.  Why?  Because one of these days the other shoe's gonna drop and the s*** is gonna hit the fan.  Guaranteed. Happened ALL THE TIME growing up.  And if you know anything about the cycle of abuse...well, the good times are great, but it's gonna get bad any day now...and that's what I dealt with in my marriage to my girls' dad. So...it's in my programming and I'm aware of it and it's kinda the pits but I can deal with it...if I feel that anxiety it's because THINGS ARE GOING WELL.  IT DOESN"T MEAN THAT THINGS ARE GONNA TANK SOON...THAT'S THE PAST...NOT THE PRESENT, NOT THE FUTURE.  Got it, Bonnie?  Good!  Good girl! No reason to smoke.  YOU DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE!

OK, Now What?  Oh yeah, hanging out with my best friend.  The almost-chain smoker.  Supporting her while she is in charge of all the material possessions at her family residence, since her mom has passed and her stepdad has been moved to assisted living due to Alzheimer's. Lots of family history here, not my story, but we are close friends (lived next door to each other for 24 years) for a reason and were smoking buddies for decades.  Sitting at her kitchen table, drinking coffee and smoking tons of cigs for hours...so grateful for the friendship during those years we were both single moms raising our kids. So...now we're still friends but she still smokes and I don't.  And she smokes a lot.  Never tried to quit.  And we're spending a lot of time together.  At her mom's house.  Emotional for her.  I want to be supportive.  I can still drink the coffee.  But I don't smoke.  But I'm getting those "feelings" as we sit at her mother's kitchen table, drinking coffee, she's showing me old photographs, etc.  And I can't eat my sunflower seeds in the shells anymore because of my aging teeth.  So...what do I do?  Somehow at home I think of a straw.  And I find a straw. A plastic straw just the right length.  Think I must have kept it for my grandgirl.  I put it to my lips and inhale and voila!  Problem solved!  THANK YOU, GOD!  I put that straw in my purse and when I head up to my friend's mom's house to help her again I have my straw and I whip it out when we sit down again and she starts the chain-smoking routine (with the door open).  Problem solved.  Simple. Weird. Grateful. SMOKEFREE.  New crutch: plastic straw the length of a cigarette.  It works for me.  After two years?  Don't care.  It works. And I can hang it from my mouth like all the hardcore smokers do but that I never did. In fact, got it in my mouth right now.  Uh oh, a new addiction.  Don't care.  Maybe better start hoarding plastic straws before they become illegal.

Bonnie ~760 DOF (some of them hardwon)

[Mandolinrain]

I hear you friend, I could have written this blog.

I am so glad your fighting the good fight and hanging o to this freedom as hard as it is to do at times. I had many of those thoughts off and on my second year and now headed into 6, not so much, thank goodness...but I smoked for all and more of the reasons you suggested. I was happy, sad, hungry, angry, worried, lonely, excited, tired, elated....and then some and smoking was my fix for it all.

Wow, I am glad to be over it, yet I am ever vigilant. That stinking thinking can still reach me when I lease expect it and as a Nicotine addict I suspect it always will. Maybe I should hoarding straws as well.  Hugs to you. We will be okay!

[Bonnie]

Thank you ((((((((((((((((((Missy))))))))))))))))). You are so right.  We will be okay...we ARE ok (put a heart right here)!

[Mandolinrain]

((((((((((((((((((Bonnie)))))))))))))))))) I don't know how do make hearts these posts like many do. so XOXO Instead  

[SuzyQ411]

Bonnie‌- I want to first offer a big congratulations on your extended quit and your determination and resourcefulness of using the straw when sitting over coffee with your smoking friend. I also want to say that I can so identify with all you've written here.

Why in heck should we be tempted when life is going so well??

What comes to my mind is that when we (you, me. and many others) become accustomed to difficult times --and you've certainly had your  share of them-- we grow to be uncomfortable when things are running smoothly. After all, that's not the norm for us. And we become fearful.

As you mentioned your faith, I'm just gonna post the following in the hopes that it will give you some strength during this temporary-- though rough-- emotional patch ( please disregard if you choose to, just trying to help):

Isaiah 43:1 “Don't fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine.” God actually commands us not to fear, or worry. The phrase “fear not” is used at least 80 times in the Bible, most likely because He knows the enemy uses fear to decrease our hope and limit our victories.

Wishing you increased hope and victory~ Suzy

[Giulia]

"Pretend smoking straws was my first go-to when I quit.  Even now, if I'm have a rough craving I'll just put my two "smoking fingers" together, put them up against my lips and draw on them, take a nice inhale and then a nice outhale of plain old air.  Works great.  And much better than relapsing with the real deal.  

Good venting.  You say in your fist sentence it's not a craving, not an urge. I beg to differ with you.  You're sitting at your old smoking table, sharing intimate times with a friend.  The way you have described that moment, it's an urge.  As a matter of fact it's so much of an urge that you need to pretend to smoke.  So, in my opinion (which could be totally wrong), I'd say recognize it for what it truly is, be VERY aware of it (which you seem to be), and perhaps stand back and not participate if those thoughts are getting the best of you.  Because this kind of scenario is how relapse happens.  I've watched people relapse for 13 years and I can smell it at this point.  If you want a cigarette that bad (even if you term it a "thought") that you have to pretend smoke....think about it. It's more than just a thought because that thought created that action.

You've got two potent triggers happening at once.  And you recognize them both.  Everything's fine AND you're hanging out with a friend who smokes.  Watch your back.  I think you are, just by posting this blog.  But want to just emphasize it.

My way of dealing with the "everything is going well, something bad's gonna happen soon" thinking is - I just don't expect anything good to last long.  Never has, so why should I expect it to?  It's just not realistic.  In my world, my reality is there's more sorrow than joy, more tough than easy.  And when things go right it's like "WOW!, what  a surprise!"  You mean a plumber actually returned a call???!!!  lol  Don't forget your sense of humor.  It's one of the best perspective drugs you can take.  Aparna Nancherla - Live from Here - YouTube 

[JonesCarpeDiem]

There is a treatment plan for "straw mouth."  You remove it. Replace it with a shoelace. You heard me. Wrap it around your tongue every time you think of smoking.

Seriously though Congratulations on two years!

(and don't put shoelaces in a washer with a central agitator!)

[Mavihoja]

Good Morning, Bonnie. I am pledging not to smoke today. I am now reaching

out for the hand to get me through and offering my hand to the next

pledger...

Blessings,

Michael

[Barbscloud]

Bonnie, thanks for sharing this.  In someway, I think we can all associate.  They may be caused by different experiences, but as humans we share the same emotions.  And smoking was there to help us deal with them.   I  quit at 68 after smoking for 50 years and I'm just approaching my 2nd year.   I appreciate you're sharing you're recent "thinking" about smoking.  For many, I don't believe those thoughts will ever totally go away.  That honesty helps others to know what they're feeling is normal and is a reminder that we always need to be vigilant.  Glad you're feeling some peace in your life and that you're back posting.

Barb

[Roj]

Awesome job fighting for your quit especially being around your chain smoking friend...I too am a huge fan of the cigarette length straws....usually chewed them to death until I needed another one...and who cares....do whatever it takes to stay smoke free...your days of freedom is truly inspiring 

[Bonnie]

Thank you, Suzy.  I appreciate your understanding.  Yes, fear is the big one.  The verse that helped me during my "resting" phase after quitting my job was also from Isaiah: 

Isaiah 40:31: King James Version (KJV) ³¹ But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Waiting is very hard for me but I did follow the wisdom of this verse and was renewed.  God Bless You! B.

[elvan]

Congratulations, Bonnie, on your quit.  I hope there comes a time when you can spend time OUTSIDE when your friend is smoking, you are being exposed to second hand smoke and that is NOT good.  I am really cautious about my exposure to second hand smoke, it absolutely does make me think about smoking, sometimes a while after exposure.  Just be careful, I know you are healthy, I want you to stay that way.

Hugs,

Ellen

[Bonnie]

I also think that being around all the cigarette smoke, with the door open or not, was a trigger for me.  She came and stayed at my home overnight last Sunday as a respite from her family pressure and she sits outside to smoke here and I didn't have any urges, though we spent 24 hours together.  I don't know what the future holds for this relationship, but I'm not going to jeopardize my health for it...she is making her choices and I have made mine.  Thanks for the input...

[Bonnie]

Hi, Ellen, see my reply to Giulia above.  Even sitting outside with her the smoke goes my way.  I honestly can't stand it anymore and don't want to breathe second-hand smoke inside OR outdoors.  My grandmother died of lung cancer and never smoked a cig in her life, but my grandpa smoked when he got home from work when he had his cocktail.  Secondhand smoke is a killer and I'm not exposing myself to it anymore, especially when she doesn't even try to smoke less around me.  She (and her daughter and son-in-law-who she lives with) is the only person in my life now who smokes.  

And, just to make sure you know, YOU are at the TOP of the list of EX friends who helped me to get where I am today, with your loving support, encouragement and consistent positive, uncritical comments on my blog posts.  I will never be able to thank you enough, but I will keep trying.  You are one in a million! (((((((((((((ELLEN)))))))))))))) 

[Bonnie]

Just watched the video you included...She had me belly laughing more than once...loved her reference to Southern California peeps: TRUTH!  You're so right, laughter is the best medicine.  When I left Barnes and Ignoble I told the new boss I might go into standup:  my first "skit" would be "Bookseller Blues" but I needed a certain coworker as my straight man. Unfortunately he still works there and so wouldn't be available, ha Ha HA!  

[SuzyQ411]

Hi Bonnie~

Love that Scripture you quoted...one of my favorites as well.

You are receiving many helpful and supportive comments from a number of folks on this site.

Take the ones that work for you--and put them into action~

And, the prompt to remain vigilant in order to protect your quit is an excellent "keeper".

Take care~ Suzy

[SuzyQ411]

Love the off-beat humor of the video you posted Giulia‌. Thanks for the laughs~

[SuzyQ411]

Love your sense of humor JonesCarpeDiem‌ ! Thanks for posting this~

[Julie1960]

Great story. Glad your not smoking straw is a good idea

[ElaineC]

 ♥

I love to read your posts 

[SuzyQ411]

WOW! Well, thank you, Elaine.. I like yours as well 🙂