A smoker's journey...good read for those just quitting

[Angie-Lah]

I just joined this site recently, but I've been keeping somewhat of a journal since my quit date. Towards the end there are some huge gaps in the days, but you know what that means? It means that I went that whole time without feeling like I needed to write anything down because I wasn't obsessively thinking about cigarettes. It's a long read, hope I don't bore anyone.

Friday, July 30th. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but a few steps down from almost impossible would be GREAT.

Quitting smoking. They say on all the websites that writing it out, reminding yourself of why is supposed to help. All it seems to do for me is make me think about it more, but I guess it’s cathartic to some extent. To all my non-smoking friends (the ones who haven’t ever smoked), this probably isn’t going to make any sense at all, but all I can say, is that it’s because you haven’t been there. You’re not addicted & never have been, and I can’t make you understand. I’m glad I can’t, because if you could, you’d be in my shoes and I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Every single thing in a smoker’s life is associated with those cigarettes. EVERYTHING. Just left a movie theater? Light up. Just finished a really good meal and you’re full? Light up. Enjoying a beer with friends? Light up twice as much as you normally would. Something about alcohol just sets it off. Just woke up? Light up. (This one is really important and ironic at the same time, if you don’t smoke that cigarette when you wake up you think you’ll feel like crap until you do. But if you didn’t smoke to begin with you wouldn’t feel like crap when you woke up.) Getting ready to go to bed? Better smoke one last cigarette so you don’t lay there thinking about it and might actually have a chance to get some rest. But smokers don’t rest as well as non smokers anyway, so don’t be surprised if you wake up in the middle of the night and have to smoke one. Just laying there and trying to go back to sleep won’t work because once you’re awake and you have the idea to smoke, it’s wormed it’s way insidiously through every thought process in your brain to the point where if you don’t just light up you’ll lay awake until you do. Getting in your vehicle to go somewhere? Getting ready to go into a building that doesn’t allow smoking? Getting ready to be in a 2 hour long meeting? Every single last damn thought you have revolves around smoking and when was the last time and when will be the next. I never realized it as much when I wasn’t trying to quit, but now that I am, it’s on my brain constantly. Every plan you make, even how quickly you get ready (because it takes longer to get ready when you stop to have a cigarette or it takes you 10 minutes to find your cigarettes and lighter before you can leave the house.) And for you most of you non-smokers I know what you’re thinking, because I used to be the most rabid anti-smoker. You’re thinking, so? Just leave the house without them. Just lay them down and walk away. Just stop thinking about them, it can’t be that hard to quit. The sick thing is I remember vividly thinking these things when I was younger and couldn’t understand why people smoked. Now I do. Unfortunately for me.

There are three things that require a substance to be considered an addictive substance.

1. It must be capable of inducing physical withdrawal upon cessation. Well I can more than vouch for this one.

2. Tolerance to the drug usually develops. Anybody that smokes can tell you that they’ve smoked more and more over the years, and it seems like every time you quit and fail, once you’ve started back up again you’re smoking more daily than you ever used to. Like you’re trying to make up for those feelings of deprivation you felt while you were quitting by making sure you’re more than meeting your habit.

3. Third, an addictive substance becomes a totally consuming necessity to its user, usually resulting in what is considered by a society as anti-social behavior. A lot of people argue this one, because no, smokers are not going to do the things in back alleys that heroin addicts will. But, and for anyone that has ever been a true smoker, and don’t try to lie about this because I’ve been there, you know you’ve run out and searched through your ashtray for whatever salvageable remains of a cigarette there may be to tide you over until you can get to the store. Also, (courtesy of whyquit.com): During World War II, in concentration camps in Germany, prisoners were not given enough food to fulfill minimum caloric nutritional requirements. They were literally starving to death. A common practice among smoking prisoners was to trade away their scarce supplies of life sustaining food for cigarettes. Even today, in underdeveloped countries, such as Bangladesh, parents with starving children barter away essential food for cigarettes. This is not normal behavior.

For someone who has never truly been addicted it’s almost impossible to explain how hard quitting smoking really is. And for people who quit cold turkey, I applaud you with the utmost respect. I couldn’t do it. No way, not in a million years. I tried starting out that way this time and was smoking by lunch. For me, and for almost all smokers, you’re not just dealing with the physical aspect of it. There’s also the huge mental association you have that links everything in your life with your cigarettes. So I opted to use the nicotine patch. Takes care of the physical craving so you can free yourself up to deal with the mental hurdles you throw at yourself. And I phrase it that way for a very specific reason. Smokers intentionally sabotage themselves, regardless of whether it’s you doing it and being aware of it, or if it’s your subconscious. We’ll set ourselves up for failure over and over again knowing how vulnerable we are to lighting back up. Even with the nicotine patch I’ve dealt with more withdrawal symptoms this time than I ever did before. And I think it may be that I’m in that rare patch of people that a 21mg patch is too strong but a 14 isn’t strong enough. The withdrawal is pretty bad right now. I’m hoping it eases up soon. Constantly thinking about it, the fatigue (I’ve literally gone to bed before 8 the last 2 nights because my body is just done for by then.) depression (yes, even knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel doesn’t help sometimes.) The depression has been the worst symptom by far this time. I’ve never dealt with it before. Literally tearing up & wanting to cry because everything in your life is changing, and as bad for you and nasty as cigarettes are, they were still a huge part of my life for 10 years and it’s scary to think about life without them. It’s scary to think nothing will ever be as fun anymore because I’m not who I was when I don’t smoke. I’m trying to separate that in my own mind, that I’m still the same person, I just don’t have the nasty habit anymore, but it’s hard. When you’ve done the same repetitive behavior for 10 years and have the mental addiction on top of that, it’s damn near impossible. The only way I’ve learned to even slightly cope with it is stopping my thinking as soon as it heads in that direction. As soon as I start thinking, oh, I’m never going to get to smoke again, I stop and remind myself that it’s just this one day that I’m dealing with right now, and if that gets too overwhelming, I stop and just focus on not smoking for the next few hours. And because of the fact that I was almost always the only female smoker in any group of people I was around, especially when I was in the military, it became even more of who I am, more so than just something I do. I was the girl that smoked the cowboy killers. You always had a readymade group of friends wherever you went, because there were always going to be a few other smokers looking for the smoking section and feeling ostracized by the rest of society because “smoking is so bad for you.” Said with a sneer at the time. Concentration issues are another huge issue I’m dealing with. Hard to get anything done or ever feel focused when all you think about, all the time, is smoking. Another mental hurdle we throw at ourselves is that we’re somehow depriving ourselves of something. I’m doing that as I write this. Instead of looking at it like, I’m not going to be dependent on this anymore, we like at it like, I’m not going to GET to smoke anymore. Even with rationing cigarettes so you don’t smoke as much, we look at it like I’m depriving myself of the other 18 I usually smoke instead of I’m getting to smoke 2.

Since the night of July 27th, last Tuesday night, I’ve had a whopping 3 cigarettes. But as of right now, it’s not getting much easier. I’m still craving that next one even knowing there can’t really be a next one. And right now, even though it’s going to be so much better for me in the long run, that just makes me sad. 😞

Update...July 31st. It's only been one day, but as anyone who has quit can tell you, that's all quitting is, one day at a time. Haven't had a cigarette today but it was on my mind pretty much all the time. The patches seem to be helping a lot with the physical cravings, so it was just getting past the mental cravings that I dealt with today. Had a really rough time with it last night, but it was pretty smooth today considering.

August 1st...patches are handing the physical cravings really well & actually had a few times today that I wasn't even thinking about smoking. Already noticing that my sense of smell is greatly improved and I'm sleeping better and not waking up feeling like crap every morning. 🙂

August 2nd...still haven't smoked. still feeling so much better when i wake up in the morning & still no headaches. Did start noticing that my throat has started to hurt, and my voice cracks. Guess it's trying to heal after years of damage. Fatigue has yet to let up as well, I wake up alert and rested and good to go but by 630 at night I'm done for. Guess that will get better with time as well. Haven't really had too many physical cravings thanks to the patch but the mental is still very much there. Time between thinking of cigarettes is getting longer & longer, but I realized today that while I won't go out of my way to get them, I probably wouldn't turn one down if it was right in front of my face. Made me realize how VERY vulnerable I still am to it and strengthened my resolve to stay away from it and keep reminding myself why I'm quitting. I'm not doing it because I HAVE to, and I'm not doing it to deprive myself of something. I'm doing it because I know the only reason I kept smoking is because i was addicted to it, and if nothing else I need to step away from it to give un-addicted me a chance to have a say in my body & it's health too. And the headaches sucked. bad.

September 8, 2010....I suppose the fact that I haven't had to write in here for well over a month speaks for itself. I've been off the patches since about mid August because my "delicate skin" (as my husband would phrase it) and the patches weren't getting along. I was literally getting chemical burns that were breaking my skin and causing wounds. I wouldn't trade those few days of discomfort for anything in the world though. The patches got me through the worst days of the quit & were well worth the skin damage...which has since healed up quite nicely 😉 So in other words, it's been 5 weeks, 5 days & 5 hours...or 1 month and 9 days...or 41 days....since I put down the last cigarette. I guess I felt compelled to write because I've been battling some pretty strong cravings the last few days. I just keep driving past the gas stations & go home and get on the treadmill so I'm too out of breath to smoke. I refuse to give in again. I refuse to throw all that hard work, and all the progress I've made at getting back into running down the drain for something that will be the death of me. And I know, that like all the others, these cravings will pass and life will go on. Several of my family members are an inspiration to me right now too. Quite a few of us have made the decision to become healthier & happier and I won't give up on them or me. I can run well over 2 miles now and the only thing that hurts is my legs from the incline 🙂 no gasping for breath, no chest pain & no feeling like my lungs are going to collapse at any moment. I sleep better, it doesn't take me as long to wake up and feel human. On the mornings I didn't stay up too late reading I actually bounce right out of bed. I don't feel like I have to keep a big distance between myself and other people in public so as not to offend anyone with the smoky smell coming from me. I hated that. The awkward nose wrinkling when you're the only person who's been smoking and you walk into a group of non smokers. And I love that I'm not that girl anymore. (It's a lot easier to see now why the nose wrinkling though. I can smell a smoker from 40 feet away upwind lol. No one can scent them out like a former smoker) I wish I could help everyone out there that is still ensnared by nicotine. It's a terrible downward spiral and only you can pull yourself out of it. I promise there is life on the other side. Very seldom do I think about it anymore. And my fears about life not being as fun were completely unfounded. It's better & more fun. I don't feel like it's necessary to rush through meals so I can hurry up and get outside to smoke since the restaurant has banned smoking. And movies are more enjoyable too. I'm not antsy for 2 hours wondering when it's going to be over so I can go smoke. I can just sit right there, relax & enjoy because I have no where else I need or want to be. I'm doing this mainly for me. But I'm doing it for a lot of reasons. So I can kiss my husband, and not have to worry about him thinking he's kissing an ashtray. So I'm not smoking in our vehicles and putting my own and his health at risk. So I don't stink. So I don't have headaches (have not had a true headache since I stopped. The once or twice I've had a twinge was treatable with OTC headache medicine.) So I can love & look forward to exercise. So I can know when it's all said and done that I've done everything I could to take care of me and make mine & my husbands life a happier and healthier one. This probably won't be my last update, but to those of you that actually read this, thank you so much to all my friends and family for your support through this. I know it's "just facebook" but there were a couple times that I almost gave in and got cigarettes but saw a motivational comment or support from a family member or friend that reminded me I couldn't let me or them down. I love you guys!

October 6, 2010 - another month gone and still quit 🙂 This Friday will be 10 weeks for me...I've never made it this far before except for basic training which doesn't really give you an option to quit...and I was smoking again shortly after basic so 10 weeks is about my limit for quitting in the past. I'm not giving back in this time. I'm finally in the right frame of mind for this. The turning point for me knowing FOR SURE I was going to be strong enough was finding the full pack of my favorite brand in a dresser drawer while I was home by myself...the hubby wasn‘t home...no friends or family were over...no one would ever know...right? It couldn't possibly hurt THAT much to just smoke 1...I let myself sit there and debate this for about 15 seconds and then ran for the bathroom trash can as quickly as i could and tore every single cigarette into little pieces and threw them away. No one would know if I had smoked one, except me, and I couldn't live with that. I'm not going to cheat myself this time, or have any setbacks to my progress. And every day that I can run just a little bit farther, and my lungs only have the same level of strain as any other runners is another day I can be proud that I didn't give in. Of course I still have a lot farther to go before my body heals as much as it can, but I'm making leaps and strides every day. Big wake up call yesterday for me too....first dental visit since I quit...I was putting off my 6 month check up because I was scared when I asked the dentist about my teeth and gums he was going to tell me it was too late...I'd already done too much damage and they would only get worse from here....thankfully, I do have some gum issues but apparently my teeth are very healthy, and the damage the smoking has done to my gums (the dry mouth, which allows food to stick more, causing a much greater buildup of plaque and tartar under the gum line, which leads to gingivities, which leads to....yea you get it....) is worrisome, but not irreversible. So I've made a pledge to my teeth too lol...never picking up another cigarette and giving my gums a chance to be healthy too 🙂 It gets a little bit easier every day. I don't think of myself as a smoker anymore, and my first instint isn't to grab the cigs before i leave, or make sure there's a pack in my purse...I'm finally free and am going to stay that way!