Im at 99 days nicotine and smoke free today. i have to go to the grocery store now though and all i can think about is getting a pack of smokes.
the rest of my life is screwed up....being a multiple really sucks. not to insult the insiders it is just people are so disbeliving and biased. and i seem unable to not tell everything to everybody. i mean, in theory, it is about no one having secrets they can use agastint me...everyone knows everything, then it isn't news/leverage to anyone...but at this point i've gotten to where it feels near impossible not to tell people....
i've gained 30lbs since i quit...i quit so i could qualify for weightloss surgery...well, that was one of the reasons...i'd wanted to quit since i started and failed ALOT....but the weight gain makes me feel horrid about myself....and i've got many people in my life pissed off at me because i am too honest....it is like a compulsion, truth telling...
i don't buy the message that my addiction is sending right now: everything would be better if you just had a cigarette.
i know that isn't true...but i also am not sure what i am fighting so hard for when things feel so hopeless. it is like im fighting a war that is not only unwinnable but winning isn't winning anyway.
bah. this journalling has not helped lol. sleep. that is what i need.
thanks for lsitening
