Two days. Seems simultaneously HUGE and ridiculousaly small at the same time. But you can't take it away - I've reached the 48 hour mark. Hurrah lol.
I am feeling way more emotionally stable today - I do not feel like I am attacking/defending everytime I have an interaction with DH. We are mutually trying to keep out of each others hair, unless it is to be supportive.
Physically, I am feeling quite tense today - literally. I find myself clenching my fists or holding my breath... very odd. I'm planning on channeling that into some fantastic Zumba shortly 🙂
My updates will probably follow a pattern - I find myself waking up thinking "I just need to make it to 1:30" (which is my quit time, so it marks full days) and then at 1:30 I tell myself "I just need to make it to bed time" when a craving hits. So this cycle repeats, and so far, it has worked. I guess instead of taking it one day at a time, I need to take it a half-day at a time. For now - everything seems very feasible today. I'm not going to do this - I AM doing this. I am a non smoker.
Yesterday I felt like "When do I get to smoke? I made it through a whole day so... now what?" It was weird - like I was looking for my *reward* for not smoking. But smoking was always my 'reward' for completing projects or daily tasks. So I spent a lot of my wakeful night last night working through that in my mind - smoking is not the reward - it is the punishment. The reward is living. The reward is breathing. The reward is smelling the fresh air in the morning. The reward is not telling your kids "I'll be in in a minute!". The reward is time. The reward is being stronger. A cigarette? That's not a reward. Not anymore than chemotherapy would be. "Congrats - you smoked enough to give yourself cancer!" Doctors never say that. Cancer patients never say "I wish I started smoking sooner" or "Smoking was a really good choice" or "Chemo is so relaxing". NOPE. Smoking is not a reward. It is a long, slow punishment. I think I get it. In this moment of clarity, how ever brief it may be, I am here - I get it.
