34 days? big whoop

[terri13]

what does it matter when life is crappy. really. really really.
my kids are gone for the holiday weekend. the ex is rich and happy and irritating. I am fully seeing how alone I am and I really have no reason to be okay right now.

the other day the owner of the company walked past me and said "smile, terri!" I said nothing. Thought, he has no idea.. I have nothing to smile about. I just happened to be rather pissed at the moment anyway. So... I'm just a crappy person. I really am. I'm aksing myself all too often, "is it me"?? so I figure it must be.

I don't know what do to. I don't know how to be better. This is all making me want to smoke. Would that be sooooo bad? When I quit I really thought who cares if I smoke once in a while-- bum one from someone if I can find one, a couple times a year-- as long as I don't get in a daily habit. I'm already drinking and blasting staind music. And I'm just getting to the point where I don't really care about me any more, because you know, no one else does. I used to think I needed to even more when no one else did because SOME ONE had to… but no. uh oh.. melodrama. Stop.

[[[[[[[ Don't comment. SERIOUSLY. I don't deserve it. ]]]]]
I know I know, stay strong don't smoke. I know, right?

[gmvirtual_gina]

Terri.....I felt like you do today - yesterday. I am on day 40. I know our lives our different and you have different junk. And sure I can tell you to stay strong. But you know this already and jsut two days ago you were on here encouraging people and offering great advise.....so you're having a shitty day. Stay in it....sometimes we just need to be pissed off and angry and sad. But don't forget - the cig - the smoke....it won't actually make you feel better.

You are just pissed off and you think it will. But you will create a huge fight with yourself! Really - think about the lightheaded, the dizzy, the smell, the horrid taste......then the thought of going through Day 1, Day 2, & Day 3 all OVER AGAIN??? UGH! Because if you did light up today and stayed pissed enough to keep lighting up - pretty soon whatever made you quit is going to make you quit again - maybe today - maybe 10 yrs from now or maybe 30yrs when COPD kicks in - at some point in your life you will need to go through Day 1, Day 2 & Day 3 and on over again....and you will think - f'ing crap...I had 34 days once....what the hell was I thinkin!!!???

But yes, we need to have our bad days....really - we do! Especially when the spouses are assholes and you feel kinda misunderstood and freakin alone....ahhh I know what you feel....I've been there. My friends telling me to cheer up, it will be ok, ooohh poor me....all that makes you want to puke when you have these bad days.

Just don't give yourself a reason to give up your quit. ....it's your nico-demon rationalizing and using you when you are at your weakest....your lowest....he will tell you "it's ok....why not, what else is there in life that brings you joy".....as long as you are his prisoner....you will never know what else you could be doing right now this minute that would bring you joy.....because he has you trapped thinkin about HIM!! KILL the Nico-demon MONSTER!

I'm glad you posted.....I felt like this yesterday.....it sucks, but you helped to make me feel human!!!

[ctm]

Would that be sooooo bad?
Yes. You would completely blow your quit and have to start over again. That would be worse than bad.

who cares if I smoke once in a while
as long as I don't get in a daily habit
You should care. This is NOT a habit, it IS an addiction. An all or none proposition.

I understand the "I don't care", or "life sucks" and on and on and on. That kind of mentality was the hardest part for me. After 8.5 months, I still get in those moods now and again (like this week) but I realize that smoking will NOT solve the problem. It WON'T solve the problem for you either.

Keep in mind that nicotine released dopamine in our brains giving us that aaaaaaaaah feeling. You might just be missing that. Try exercise or a small piece of chocolate or read some jokes and laugh. There are plenty of ways to feel good without smoking.

Way to go for venting!!! Hang in there. This gets WAAAAAAYYYYYYYY better over time.

[hwc]

terri:

Wow. Your nicotine junkie thoughts are working overtime to get you all riled up so - by god - you just have to smoke. Classic Things are going good in a quit, a month under your belt, so the inner junkie starts trying to manufacture a "crisis". Don't fall for that trap.

[hwc]

Oh and... smile Terri! Come on. Just a little one, for me and all your Become an Ex buddies.

[jean-michel]

Hey terri, if it weren't for melodrama, Hollywood would still be a cow town. I feel for you and appreciate your courage. Hang in there.

[sherri8]

OH...I was so you a month ago, and I still get mad I can't have one...a Merit Ultra Light 100... I hated Everyone, everything, and just wanted to run away somewhere without my husband & kids, so I could become the person I wanted to be. A SMOKER DAMN-IT! Just go out of town, sit in a bar somewhere and smoke my brains out. I am now on day 50. I still miss my cigs, but I am also proud that I made it this far. I didn't think I could go 50 minutes without a smoke let alone 50 days. Check into some meds like Welbutrin or something if you need them. Hang in there! Life is good. Go to Barnes and Noble and start reading The Easy Way to Quit Smoking. We are here for you! S

[edith2]

Oh, my dear.......I went through that for years. My ex got custody of our kids. He went out and got a "new and improved" wife and bought a big house on an acre of land. You bet I was resentful. I was barely getting by and paying child support. But you know what? Things got better for me. I'm not rich, I'm still single, but my kids love me to pieces and I stay in touch with them often. I am actually content. I don't have any more arguments or fights or threats of violence. I live my life on my terms. And the biggest reward I've given myself that is priceless is I quit smoking. My ex is still smoking. His new and improved wife makes him smoke outside. His ashtray is an old coffee can that says "Gordon's butts." They argue all the time in their pretty house. One of the things that kept me going in my quit was knowing that my ex still smoked. Even his new and improved little wife got in my face one time and told me how proud she was of me for quitting. Her father is dying of lung cancer. So go out and do something nice for yourself. Reward yourself for not smoking. Green Day just came out with a new CD and it's great! Go get yourself a Venti Mocha Frappicino at Starbuck's. It's delicious. Turn on your TV and watch some of the comedians on Comedy Central. You're going to get through this. Remember that we live longer than men. You're alot stronger than you realize.

[gianna]

Terri
Lets see, so far I have alienated almost everyone around me. As a matter of fact, I am at the point where I am annoying myself! I actually called the husband today to apologize for being a miserable bitch. In other words, I am not fun to be around at the moment. The silliest part is thinking smoking will change these feelings. These raw emotions could possibly be good for us, or even better the nicodemon is working overtime, making us that much stronger! Sorry if this was a private blog but please don't feel that way, we are all here for you, and you know someone is either feeling that way or has, or understands

[debg321]

When I first read Terri's words I wanted to cry or run or not quit smoking in 2 weeks (which is when my quit date arrives). And then I read the responses of the EX community. And I now know that in 2 weeks when (and it will be when and not if) I have a moment or a day like Terri had I will not reach for a cigarette I will reach for my keyboard. Although I have no words of wisdom for Terri, I will say this "these people know what they are talking about. They care! They've been there. You reached out to them and not for a cigarette so you are already helping yourself." And in a few short weeks I will be reaching out and something tells me that you, Terri, will be there to respond when I have my "I can't do this" day.