I can hardly believe it, seems like the time just flew by.
I am starting to feel a bit better. Actually got up at a decent time today, got some things done. My head is starting to clear up, that is I feel like I'm thinking more clearly. Definitely not at 100% yet, but the improvement gives me hope. Also, the hunger thing seems to be leveling out. I'm not getting the insane "must eat everything in sight" urges anymore, and when I do eat it doesn't feel like i'm just throwing it into a black hole, I am feeling more in tune with my body. I'm going to start exercising tomorrow, as I've put on nearly ten pounds.. yikes.
Today, I did want to smoke. the problem was I spoke with somebody who is a trigger for me. It was not a negative trigger, in fact it was a very good conversation and I'm very happy to have gotten caught up with him. but, this particular person triggers a chemical reaction in me that causes a feeling very much like a drug... i wouldn't call it infatuation since I've known him for 4 years, but it could be... anyway the problem being, I was driving all high on dopamine and adrenaline from our talk, and just really really wanted a cigarette.
I tried to look at the whole thing somewhat rationally, Didn't help because my brain chemistry was all haywire. So I redirected my auto pilot... you know, the one that previously took me to the gas station, put a cig in my mouth and lit it... just told myself well, I don't really know what is going on right now, so I'm just going to go about my business and figure it out later.
thank god the feeling passed (after several hours), and I didn't smoke, because I never actually figured out what happened.
I do know that this is one more experience under my belt, one more trigger, that I lived through without smoking. and by doing that, the association between those feelings and cigarettes has been weakened, and the next time will be easier.
this quit is definitely different for me. Things are changing in my mind and body that didn't happen the other times I tried to quit. Not really sure why. All I know is I feel like I've climbed mountains over these past few weeks, I'm glad to be where I am now, and I sure as hell don't ever want to go through all this again.
