I'm in the middle. I want to keep trying to quit smoking. I hate the gum. I want to go cold turkey. I'm scared of not being able to function because of the withdrawal. I don't to keep smoking, but I don't want to give up cigarettes. I'm not as desperate as I was about a month ago when I successfully quit. I have worries about other stuff. It's strange how addiction affects the brain. I remember being able to stop, that the withdrawals were not that bad, that it wasn't easy but it wasn't overwhelming either like I expected. Part of me believes that panic and shame need to be present for me to successfully quit again. Another part of me tell me to try again with the gum tomorrow. Every day I want to quit and everyday, so far, I have put it off until the next day. I'm not ashamed of my relapse, but I also know that I can't justify continuing to smoke. I need to quit. I have the awareness of what smoking is doing to me and the fact that I don't need to smoke. Now I need the willingness to go through withdrawal. I'm glad to be back on this site. I guess I thought I was cured because I quit for a few weeks, stopped doing the things that helped me stay smoke-free before. It's a lie when I say I can have just one. It assumes that I can control when I quit. I can't. Once it gets in my system I keep wanting more. Just wanted to put that out there for anyone else who suffers from that kind of insanity. I started smoking again a couple of years ago after having years smoke-free and told myself I would stop after one cigarette, then one pack, then the next day. I keep putting it off. We'll see what happens tomorrow. I keep praying for the strength to do the next right thing and practice self-acceptance when I fall short. I'm glad to have that balance today. "If first you don't succeed, try, try again."
