I had been smoking about 35 years when my wife, Mrs. Troutnut, decided to quit. She wasn’t going to tell me, but she had been taking Chantrix for a couple of weeks, and needed me to pick up a prescription for her before she could quit. Turns out there wasn’t a single pill of the stuff anywhere in our rural Montana area. So she decided to go “Cold Turkey”. Although I had tried to quit, and failed many times, I decided to throw in with her. I just couldn’t see her being successful with me smoking up a storm right beside her. I married a smart woman and she never asked me to quit with her. She just led by example.
Oh it was tough. I had been smoking 3.5 packs a day for a long time. I had been hospitalized twice already with severe breathing troubles. Doctors called it “hyper-expansion” of the alveoli in my lungs. They told me it was the precursor to Emphysema. I had seen my grandfather die from that. And it wasn’t pretty. I quit several times and failed. I was also a heavy drinker and that really didn’t help. Every time I picked up a drink, my willpower vanished, and I relapsed on smoking. I didn’t know it at the time, but what I had what was then called “comorbid addictions” (now more affectionally labeled “substance use disorders”). Two terminal diseases at the same time, stalking me, and stealing all of my money and health. Finally, I quit drinking successfully on 11/21/1998. But that’s another story for another forum.
Quitting drinking was the key to my finally quitting smoking. I knew by then that smoking was killing me, and that I couldn’t quit smoking while I was still drinking. So I joined AA and it worked. I watch my AA sponsor with 40 years of sobriety die from lung cancer while continuing to smoke. So I knew what I was up against. But after several years in AA I had tools that I did not have previously. And I knew how to use them. So I used them to save my life again. I had my last sickarette on 2/28/2001. The same day Mrs. Troutnut also quit.
I stayed up late that night to try and smoke what was left of my sickarette stash. But I didn’t make it. I still had 3/4 of a pack left the next morning. On my way to work I tossed them into our river with a mighty heave. They landed, high and dry, on a floating iceberg. The only iceberg. And I watched them sail down the river until they disappeared. I NEVER litter, but this was truly a life or death battle. So I made an exception.
It was truly the most difficult battle of my life. But it was also the most important battle. And the single best gift I ever gave myself. Three years ago I had a lung CT scan looking for any signs of cancer because of my history. And they didn’t find any. But I was diagnosed with “severe emphysema” and testing showed I only have about half of the lung capacity that I should have. How could I have done that to myself? The answer is that I had (and still have) the disease of addiction. And once disease has set in, it’s no longer a matter just of willpower. It’s not a character flaw. It’s not a sin. It’s more akin to diabetes. Or Parkinsons. I simply don’t have a choice as to whether or not I am addicted to smoking. Or to drinking. I have both addictions. BUT, and here is the important part…I don’t have to either drink or smoke anymore if I don’t want to. It’s a choice I make daily not to put those two substances in my body. My addictions to these drugs lies dormant as long as I don’t allow those drugs into my body.
Once I figured it out (that all I have to do it not take that FIRST puff. one day at a time) success inevitably followed. My AA sponsor pounded it in my head before he died that all we have to do each day is not take that FIRST puff or that FIRST drink if we want to go to bed as WINNERS. And I’ve really learned to like going to bed a WINNER. I hope you’ll like it too. Everything I have in life now, which is plenty more than I deserve, came from my two decisions to quit drinking and smoking. My sponsor said they were both “unmerited gifts” from a loving Higher Power. And I believe that is true. He said “ask Him in your morning meditation for the wisdom and the power to carry that out”. And when you are successful, and go to bed a WINNER each night, out of common courtesy he said, say a simple “Thank You”.
Thanks also to all of those that helped me here and at the former Quitnet where I spend a good part of two decades learning how to not smoke. I still have emphysema to deal with. But thanks to quitting when I did I can still function better than most my age. I am very active fishing and downhill skiing and nobody knows I have it unless I tell them. I work out an hour a day on the treadmill and an exercise bike to keep my lungs in shape. And with any luck I’ll die with emphysema instead of dying from it.
