Sorry for length 🤪
It’s been the kind of day that I don’t remember what I did or if I even did it. I seem to keep making the right choices about staying away from smoking because I’m not a smoker anymore.
Life happens and I’m recognizing how much of my life was tied to cigarettes. Coffee/cigarette. Driving/ cigarette. Phone/cigarette. Job well done/cigarette. Make a total mess of something/ cigarette. Something good happens/cigarette. Something bad happens/cigarette. Tired/ cigarette. Amped up/cigarette. Cigarettes have been the most consistent and constant thing in my life.
I’m learning that I don’t need a cigarette to function. I’m doing things that need to be done. I’m dealing with rough stuff and joyous stuff. I’m not craving or shaking or clawing my skin for want of a cigarette. Mostly I’m pretty happy and proud. I appreciate the knowledge, experience and support I’ve gotten from this community.
Sometimes I get a little lonely. Especially when the emotions are confusing or intense. That’s another time I recognize I used a cigarette to get by. Funny/ not funny that I really believed I couldn’t do a lot of things without smoking.
Today the kids let me know that their dad is in the hospital. We were together for over 40 years. He has been having medical problems for a long time. About 10 years ago they thought he had “normal pressure hydrocephalus “. They said a spinal tap would be definitive. And then they would put a shunt in his head to keep then pressure down. He refused. He wouldn’t and won’t admit that there’s a problem. It’s been very difficult because his denial is really good and he’s managed fairly well on his own, although there has been definite decline more rapidly recently.
The kids took him to the hospital yesterday because he got lost at the county fairgrounds where we’ve been doing “Fair Week” for 40+ years. He’s incontinent, confused, dehydrated, a bit malnourished and stubborn. He’s having an MRI tonight. They hope to do the spinal tap on Thurs after he’s been off aspirin for a few days. They hope the tap will show improvement, but no longer think he’s healthy enough to have the shunt.
I’m driving up tomorrow. It’s about a 2 hour drive and I very rarely drive more than 30 minutes at a time. I’m concerned about a lot of things, but not enough to destroy my forever quit.
I feel like this is something I have to do on my own. We’ve been divorced 3 years and it was my choice. However we never stopped loving each other. So I have to see him face to face. I have to see how much of him is left. Will he know me? We talk on the phone a few times a month, but haven’t seen each other in a while. I’m very aware of how different he has become. And, just in case the spinal tap doesn’t relieve any symptoms I want to say goodbye to who he was. And I have to do it on my own.
I’ll do whatever I have to do tomorrow: cry, scream, stay in a motel overnight if I get to worn out. I’ll probably relive a lot of experiences - the good, the bad and the ugly.
But I won’t smoke because I don’t need to.
