soooo here it has been 20 days since i quit smoking. i was doing pretty damn good up until 2 days ago. well first off, ever since i stopped i noticed ive been getting a lot of headaches lately, very nerve wrecking and annoying. for two, yes my breathing has become back to normal (at least for a person with asthma, hollow breathing without feeling like its my last breath as it did when i was smking ciggs seems pretty damn normal to me). as the holidays get closer and im finally on break from school my anxiety has seem to be at an all time high especially since finding out my credits transferred from my last school to my new school, only 17 were institutional credits out of the 53 i already tackled through with only 7 more classes to go until i graduated with my A.S. in spanish administrative office tech, me and my mother constantly arguing over her drinking antics and episodes, getting sexually harassed by my uncle, and trying to down pack all my course classes into the next 3 semesters (spring 1and 2, maymester, and summer 1 and 2) to make sure i transfer into clemson by the fall semester of this coming year, cutting off old habits and bad people in my life has been a very stressful but manageble tasks lately and that one f*king time i find myself conquering my demons, a trigger clicks in and i was caught unguarded and slipping and backslid.
am i mad at myself? yes.could i have done something different? yes i could, but my defiance made me choose the latter of the choice. is it the end? HELL NO, most definately not. as a matter of fact its just the beginning (again). nobody ever said this shit was going to be easy, and none of the greatest people got to where they are now without mistakes and trial and error. so i will not use this is or signify this as a sign of defeat but a sign of learning and growth. however, this time i will be more prepared when it comes to these habitual triggers and do better when it comes to the choice of taking that one step back than taking that one step closer to nictine freedom.
i must admit the side affects i encountered after smoking a cigg past 20 days i quit i was not very fond of and made me realise the various reasons why i quit in the first place. light headed, stomach cramps, the nasty taste yuck! made me ask myself, "what in the world did i see in you 9 years ago"?? but that, right there, was enough to stop me and not even smoke the whole rest of the cigg. had it been the old me i wouldnt care less and use the old cliche, "oh its jut one, ive made it this far without it, i can just smoke one and not pick it up again". psh yeah right, the next day i found myself going nicotine crazy for some more like a crack addict whos desperate for the next fix. immediately that scared me, and brought me back to reality. if im gonna start this new years resolution, ima start off right and like i how been doing. smoke-free
