2 Days-Again

[ldl]

I first want to say that I am so sorry that I've not only "let" myself down, but I've let you down by not being "accountable" to all of you who have always been there for me. I remembered how "hurt" I felt when someone in the "community" would "leave" us and although I knew it wasn't personal, it felt personal". Because I thought I had made a "real" friend. After all, we were in the "same" boat. We knew, really knew how each other felt... I have "no" excuses for why I "choose" to smoke again. Please, hear me out...I was in a very "dark" place and was to much of a "coward" to take my own life, so I choose to "smoke" in thoughts of a "slow" suicide...I had a year! I was hurting, and didn't "reach out". I am not "proud". It's a fact that I just didn't give a "sh-t". With each "puff" I totally was aware of what I was doing to myself, and still, I didn't care. With each "puff" I would have run on conversation's with myself of how "sick" this "action" was that I was doing to myself, still, I would jusify, rationalize, intellectualize.To think that my "problems" were being "clouded" over with each "puff".  What am I going to do differently this time? Well, I've realized for some time that I needed more help with my being a "cronic" relapser and I am now doing a "study" that allows me to get "real" with my issues, and it makes me "accountable" by having to "check-in" and answer questions and so forth.I also had to be "willing" to go on the "patch", but do it right this time. NOt use wear it for 1 week and expect to do it my way after .In my heart I want to do this, but the hard part is "surrendering" again for the 10th time(maybe more, maybe less) . It feels "harder" this time. I know It is a "one day at a time" process that I am willing to do, but I need your help. I know that I am a "sick" person trying to get "better", but it doesn't make it any easier. SO what was it like? I felt "horrible" with "each" puff. Low energy, short of breath (was getting worse) throat sore and felt a lump with each swallow. I just need to "keep" the "memories" alive. I have this "built" in "forgetter"...I know you'll all remind me, right? I have been working long day, so I may not be able to "write" back fast, but I will eventually...Thank you for still being here...xoxoxox

[froguelady]

I am here when you need me, let me know how I can help you.  I do not judge you but I am sad in my heart you lost your quit but happy in my heart you will try again. Unless someone has walked in that very "dark" place they would not understand. I have in the past walked there but pray you will walk out of it.  There is not judgement only love and caring from one person to another.

[ldl]

I know I will be judged. It's "human" nature. But that is one of the "reason's" I didn't reach out. I can't let what "other's" think, only what I think and if it is not a "good" productive thought, I need only remember not to "act" on it...I'm willing to learn...lol Thanks girl, for your comment. You always "knew" how to "touch" my heart.. How are you these days? I pray all is well with you and yours. Let's stay in touch...

[mikecity]

Congratulations on 2 days !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Stay with it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Yaya2.6.10]

Welcome back.  Please remember to come here for help BEFORE you smoke the net time you are tempted.  

[YoungAtHeart]

I absolutely promise you that nobody on the Ex site is judging you.  We have ALL been so close to the place you went, and so close to making the decision you made to have a cigarette that we all know better!  

I am so happy that you are back on the road to being a nonsmoker again.  I hope you will review Allen Carr's book (just as a refresher) - I think he is the absolute best resource for quitting that is out here.  Remember that the first two weeks are the most difficult, but that they are doable.  And, it gets easier and easier once you've moved beyond that.

Please ask for advice and support when you need it.  We are all here for you! 

[Junior7]

Welcome!!!  So glad you are here!  Congratulations on your decision to quit for good this time!  We are here for you!

[Debi12]

Welcome back LDL!! 

Big congrats .... 2 days under your belt - you can do it!!

[Jordan-11-1-12]

glad to see you here. Congrats on 2 days!!!  I know how it feels to walk in that dark place because I suddenly find myself there again. Reading your blog, and how it felt for you when you started smoking again is helpful, so thank you so much. No judgement here. Just really glad that you've come back (even though I wasn't here last time you were). 

[SkyGirl]

Welcome back, LDL.  I have yet to see anyone here do any judging of anyone else, thank goodness.  Congratulations on Day Two.  You've done it before, so you know you can do it again and make it the final Quit.  Yaya said it best: "remember to come here for help BEFORE you smoke ".  

[janetlynn]

First of all your not the only one here that has relapsed..so stop beating yourself up. We have all relapsed...and probably about the same amount of times too. I had cancer..quit for 3 yrs...then started again. So I know the disappointment you feel with yourself over starting smoking again. But you can't look back...this is the time you look forward..to every minute, every hour that you are being kind to your body again. That you are staying quit. Now is the time that when you notice a difference in how you feel or think or smell to write it down..those are all the positive steps to being quit and staying quit. Put your quit date on the fridg or the door or any where you used to smoke...And look at that every time you get a urge..Think...man 2 days down..those are the hardest ones...and you did it! Congrats..hug yourself...love yourself..and be proud that you found yourself back here and with the decision to quit. Hugs to ya! You are strong and you can do this! 

[jojo_2-24-11]

Hi LDL,  No judging here! Only support. Welcome back.

[JonesCarpeDiem]

I'm not understanding this feeling of worry about anyone here judging you.

I know there have been others who felt that way and expressed it and I'm sorry, but i'm not getting it.

no one here judges anyone for losing their quit.

with only 6% making it to a full year without smoking, it would be pointless don't you think?

We each do the best we can to help everyone who comes here. It's always been that way. people who think they are being judged are the ones thinking that up. It doesn't make it reality except to them.

So, you do the best you can with your quit and we will help you as best we can.

[joy36]

We are happy you came back ! Sometime's we just have to mess up. But, you did the right thing, and came back to try again ! A step in the right direction !

[Strudel]

Lorraine - You know I am thrilled to have you back! My Charlottte friend! Congrats on two days! You opened your heart here and that always helps you and others! Very good! This is it - your forever quit!! 

[owlfeather]

Lorraine...With open arms we Welcome you Home....

It took great courage for you to post your darkest moments.  Proud of you is an understatement.   Now we can help you to use that courage to partake of this journey one last time, you and I and others who have struggled with relapse,  we can make this one last a lifetime, One Day at a Time.  

Welcome Home Sweetheart

Owl 

[Bonnie11.3.2009]

 I hope you're getting help for those depressed feelings!  Since you were feeling so badly, maybe you were looking for that hit of dopamine we get with every cigarette.  Something to make you feel better.

We create strong associations with the dopamine and our feelings.  When you want a cigarette again, remind yourself you're just looking for that dopamine.  Just know what's going on can help us make a different choice.

Take care!

[tireduvsmoke]

If people talk about you, let them talk.

Stupid people talk about other people, average people talk about things, smart people talk about ideas.

You are just like the rest of us, your addicted to nicotine. If we could use it successfully we wouldn't be here. So give yourself a break.

Not a single person here when asked in their youth "What do you want to be when you grow up?" said," I wan't to be addicted to nicotine."

If you don't put a cigarette in your hand, you can't smoke it.

If you do, before you light up, play your tape all the way through.

Do you really want to go through all these bad feelings again? Of course not.

AND YOU NEVER HAVE TO AGAIN.

[Dakota_Posse]

Welcome home Miss Lorraine!!!!!

I sure have missed you.......and congrats on 3 days.....you know how to do this....one day at a time!  Keep us close and we'll be here for you!!!

Cindy

[ldl]

OMG! I got "goosebumps" from "all" the beautiful things you all said..I will hold on to "ALL" those words in my heart...

Today is Day 5 and I have been getting those "moments", then I realized I just needed to do something constructive, so I came here....Thank you all, I love and missed you all so much..

[johio]

Can't change the past...don't try...don't let it drag you down

Can't predict the future..don't try...dont let it drag you down

All that matters is this minute, and at this minute you are at 5 days and going into 6 a little stronger. That is awesome.....be proud of yourself. Great Job

Never leave another quitter behind