I first want to say that I am so sorry that I've not only "let" myself down, but I've let you down by not being "accountable" to all of you who have always been there for me. I remembered how "hurt" I felt when someone in the "community" would "leave" us and although I knew it wasn't personal, it felt personal". Because I thought I had made a "real" friend. After all, we were in the "same" boat. We knew, really knew how each other felt... I have "no" excuses for why I "choose" to smoke again. Please, hear me out...I was in a very "dark" place and was to much of a "coward" to take my own life, so I choose to "smoke" in thoughts of a "slow" suicide...I had a year! I was hurting, and didn't "reach out". I am not "proud". It's a fact that I just didn't give a "sh-t". With each "puff" I totally was aware of what I was doing to myself, and still, I didn't care. With each "puff" I would have run on conversation's with myself of how "sick" this "action" was that I was doing to myself, still, I would jusify, rationalize, intellectualize.To think that my "problems" were being "clouded" over with each "puff". What am I going to do differently this time? Well, I've realized for some time that I needed more help with my being a "cronic" relapser and I am now doing a "study" that allows me to get "real" with my issues, and it makes me "accountable" by having to "check-in" and answer questions and so forth.I also had to be "willing" to go on the "patch", but do it right this time. NOt use wear it for 1 week and expect to do it my way after .In my heart I want to do this, but the hard part is "surrendering" again for the 10th time(maybe more, maybe less) . It feels "harder" this time. I know It is a "one day at a time" process that I am willing to do, but I need your help. I know that I am a "sick" person trying to get "better", but it doesn't make it any easier. SO what was it like? I felt "horrible" with "each" puff. Low energy, short of breath (was getting worse) throat sore and felt a lump with each swallow. I just need to "keep" the "memories" alive. I have this "built" in "forgetter"...I know you'll all remind me, right? I have been working long day, so I may not be able to "write" back fast, but I will eventually...Thank you for still being here...xoxoxox
