I am reading and reading and praying and praying and practicing to not continue on in old habits. I affirm I am a drug addict to nicotiene.
I was sitting at the dinner table with my husband last night and started to listen to my own inner voice talking as he was discoursing on a subject. I realized he thought I was listening to his day, but I noticed somthing for the first time really. He looked like a dragon as smoke billowed out of his nose. He coughed and choked as the smoke left him.
I had to make that comment, "Looks like you need to smoke another one." Sarcasam will get me no where and it is not very lady like at all. What I did note to my self this weekend is that the more I spoke or read to him from the "Carr" writings of stopping smoking, that he would light up ever five minutes. I kid you not. So, I started to watch me. Was I also lighting up more when the conversation about stopping smoking came up?
Not as much, but yes. I went back and read the work again and realized first hand for myself how correct he is. It is fear that drives us to smoke. Fear that I can not control my own stress levels. Fear of giving up what I have come to rely on to relieve daily stress.
I was amazed at just how much stress in emotions there are at just the thought of not smoking. That became evident just by watch my hubby. When I brought up to him that he was increasing his smoking as the quit date was coming, he said, I don't know if I can do it. I don't know what I am going to do. He is already talking himself out of it by talking failure even before he has tried to do it.
He blames the military to getting him started on smoking. You see, Viet Nam vets, recieved cigeretts in each meal pack as a daily ration. He truly believes that it was his tragic and emotional reaction to war and the fault of the military for supply of them, for his addiction. I guess if pressed and I asked him, then what is the fault of the Emphesima? I bet he would have to answer that it was the government's fault as well.
He claims that he KNOWS he will lose his temper and yell at me. Okay, so is this some kind of threat? Or is this a little boy who is threating to hold his breath until he gets his way?
No doubt this is a drug addiction as other addictions, the reactions are the same. I have witnessed in my life people I knew who were addicted to illegal drugs, and the same reactions. It is a unreasonable drug addiction. As I consider him and his reactions, I HAVE to consider my own. It is difficult to look at yourself with smoke in the mirror.
I was growing up in a time that drugs and rock and roll ruled the day. It was not abnormal to see the majority of my friends stoned out of their minds. I came to the decision that I was never again going to do drugs if that the way they were acting and thinking was the normal. I have as an adult, worked with people that are high on medical prescriptions. I as well, even dealing with a disabiling illness of great pain, have refused to take the drugs the dr has prescribed because the effects are the same as the illegal dr medications.
If I can witness and see the effects of drugs in others and how they respond to illegal and prescript, and make the decision that I do not want to look like that. Than I have also to look in my own mirror and realize, I am acting the same way the hubby is.
What is important to me is to not be a co supporter of the smoking habit of others. Yet I do not want to be what I have detested all of my smoking life, and that is the person that goes around telling every one they see that they are going to hell because they smoke. I don't believe that one. It only made me angery and did not help at all. So, this part of my life, that will start in 12 days, will be a eye opener for me. Can I be of help to him to stop? I don't know. What I don't want to be is a hinderence, or co dependant anymore.
Wow, this is going to be more of a change for me than just quiting smoking. It is time for ME to move on and be the person I am and not dependant on a drug anymore.
