I have depression with seasonal pattern. I start having depression symptoms at the beginning of October and it goes away at the end of March. I use the full spectrum light and I take a high dose of medicine. I still feel different. It’s scary. I have thoughts of wanting to die frequently. I don’t isten to them normally. They have no power. Now those thoughts are more powerful. I am not suicidal but increased thoughts of death let me know my depression is worsening. I felt strong depressed mood earlier today. I had the impulse to smoke. Instead I paid attention to how I was feeling. I kneeled the feeling as depression and anxiety. I reminded myself that I relapsed two years ago because I chose not to feel those feelings. I have the tools to deal with depression. I am not going to smoke. The changes in me are scary. I am going to the gym everyday, starting today, to decrease the depression symptoms. I have a gun in my possession. I am going to give it to a family member in case I do get suicidal later on this winter. I’m going to stick close to this site until I feel safer. Most of all, I’m not going to smoke. I’m continuing to work my program to cope with cravings. Not One Puff Ever No Matter What.
I feel better after working out, tired, not depressed. I hope this works. I want to go back to feeling how I was feeling before the season change.
