One year ago on this day I embarked on a life changing journey. I was taking Chantix and I stopped smoking. I had come to this site before, when I was considering quitting and lurked but I never made it to the blogs, only to the steps and I skimmed over that. So, my first quit day I was all freaky and somehow ended up here at Ex. I made it to these blogs. I figured out how to write one about my first day, and I was so overwhelmed and astonished at the response and the amout of support. That got me through the day, something I'd never ever done, quit without ever taking another puff.
Well, I did really well, then I came to a fork in the road. I relapsed. it's easy to sit and say you can choose not to do that when you are in a great place in your quit. I was there and I know that feeling too. But, I did make a choice and it was based on some deep emotions that I hadn't dealt with. I am not an expert on addiction, but I do know enough that our emotions have a lot to do with the success and failure. I don't really drink, and I don't take any drugs,,my drug of choice,,my escape was to go to my little place and smoke,,hide away. I figured this out, in fact I struggled with what I was doing, because I truly hated the stinky smokes. I have a self destructive side that is like that little voice that says go ahead just one, no one will know. I did, and no one did know because I am alone most of the time anyways. I knew! That was why I struggled. I could feel the nicotine and it's effects on me. The drug was so instant. I know for sure, no doubts at all now, that one puff will take me down.
Again, this was the first time I had ever quit for more than one day in my entire smoking career. When I look back over this year, regrets? Hmm,,maybe, maybe not. I had to learn some things, get them right in my head and in my life. I don't have to hide,,(you can run but you can't hide) LOL Facing the things that I was escaping from were so front and center recenly and they seemed so magnified,,that's the trouble with escapism.
It has been a hell of a year, and no matter what I will not discount one single day. I went to the other side and back twice. I am back into my 4th week, but in 365 days I did not smoke 330 days,,( during my 49 day relapse I quit on my own for 15 days) I did not smoke every single day,,like I said, I struggled with , not just smoking, but the real issues in my life,,emotions. I would elaborate on that part, but it is personal issues and I am happy to say that I am dealing with them and little by little things are getting much better.
I am proud of My Year, MY Journey. It may not seem perfect to someone else, but it is so much better than anything I have ever done in my past! I am so grateful that I found this place and I never would have made it through one week without you all,,I honestly believe that! This place Rocks!
Not One Puff Ever N.O.P.E.
Diane
