Anger and new physical changes

[kellie3]

I have been struggling with anger, depression. I am not even sure if it is depression, I can usually have a "chat" with myself and talk myself out of the "funk" mood. However the anger is very much real and I need to let it go somehow.

I am lashing out at those around me. I don't even realize that I am doing it. They are gently telling me I need to lighten up a bit. It just seems to come out of nowhere.

I have noticed the last month or so when I eat I find it hard to breath. I don't eat fast, or even large amounts. I also have had burning. Terrible heart burn, even without eating anything spicy.
I went shopping for bra's last week and to my surprise I couldn't fit into my regular bra size. Not Even Close! I ended up not buying any until I could figure out what is going on? Honestly I went up 2 sizes and still could not fit "around" me.

I started looking around online and found these 2 articles... (has anyone else experienced this problem?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From "personal experiences" of the LVRS website.
http://www.emphysema.net/lvrs.html

I had become very "barrel-chested" and having to wear "bra extenders". Within two days of the surgery, my rib cage had decreased enough that I could feel a difference. By the time I was able to wear a bra, I no longer needed the "extenders". Before the surgery, my lungs were so hyperinflated, eating an apple would fill me up to the point that I was uncomfortable and having difficulty breathing. After I got out of the hospital, we went out to eat and I had a hamberger and fries and desert!!!! And I COULD BREATHE!!!!

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http://www.emphysema.net/patient_stories.htm#Ken_Scott1

Physical Changes: Your lungs become over-inflated and enlarged, making breathing even harder. The pressure from the enlarged lungs presses outward on the rib cage, causing continuous soreness and pain, called the 'Barrel Chested' look.
The lungs press downward on the diaphragm causing it to be flattened, instead of dome shaped; preventing it's helping you breathe. This puts continuous pressure on your stomach, digestive tract and bladder also making breathing difficult. You now have the 'Pot Belly' look. You learn from support groups and rehab how to breathe using your chest muscles, called diaphragmatic breathing (if your lucky enough to have access to these aids). If you have to take steroids to help your lungs, everything changes. Steroids are the bad drug-good drug medicine. While helping your lungs it is taking it's toll on the rest of your body; bones, skin, kidneys and adrenal glands to name a few. It also gives you a rounded puffy face called 'Moon Faced' and the list goes on. Some COPD patients develop congestive heart failure. That pretty much explains itself.

[spunkie]

Well girls we all could be sisters I weigh 190 and I am 5' 3" .. before stopping smoking I weighed 180. So you see I was overweight before I stopped smoking.
Back in 1998 my lungs were so bad and I was in the hosp more than I was out. (It seemed like it)

They pumped me so full of steroids. I had a central line in my chest because they had used all my veins up. They were giving me Levaquin and tons of steroids.

Can't remember all the other things you know what I take now plus a few added items. It was terrible then my doctor came in one day and point blank said we are killing her with the steroids.

My weight was 279 and climbing because I couldn't even walk unless it was a short distance. Everyone re-grouped my husband about took everyone in the hospital's head off. Any way that was the same time I broke a rid from coughing.

They changed my meds to I forget what all and sent me to John Hopkins Hospital.
I did get better and after about 3 weeks got to come home. I have not been the same since.

I had a job at Mack Truck for 31 years, as a Computer Operator which I loved and when I went back to work. I couldn't hardly get from my car to the building. So they left me parking right up close to the building near the loading docks. This worked for awhile but with all the lung problems and now big weight issues I had to take a disability retirement.

So now by the grace of God I had a couple good years and lost most of the weight.
Now the years are getting up there and my lungs know it. Thanks for letting me vent .

What is the worse of all of this I STILL SMOKED even if it meant coughing until I broke ribs.. How DUMB is that..

Thinking about blame yes it took me until I smoked my last cig. May 25 to at least forgive myself a little. I will never beable to completely forgive myself. The doctor told me to take that 38 put it to my head and pull the trigger when I was in my 30's.
How much clearer could he have made the message I was killing myself.

What do I do when I am in the hospital and they are killing me with meds as soon as I can get out of bed I go outside to smoke. Thank God people can't do this now. There I would stand with a blanket over me because they wouldn't give me my coat.
Thinking that it would keep me inside. Temps in th 30's I would puff and cough until I had to make it back to my oxygen etc. God I am sorry I am going on and on with this.

My husband never blamed me I have asked him and he said it was just the time we grew up in .. My husband smoked also we both quit May 25 . Maybe this is why he never blamed me.

I do know I had no control over being born with asthma but all the rest I am not sure if it would have ever got bad if I had not smoked. God I wish I could get this message into young peoples heads.

So Kellie let me get hold of myself here. You did go back to curvers and it worked out well nice the nurse was there again. Maybe you could check she may come at the same time every day. You could come then in case you did have a problem. I hope you do not get to sore just starting you may.

I am so glad you are now getting the SSI. I sure hope you get the state program it sounds great. Lot better than medicare ins.


Barb, as much as family love us they just do not get it .. Like you said your daughter is afraid for you to do anything and your fiance pushes you ..

Thank God I will have to say most of the time my husband really gets it and cares, doesn't blame me. What a gift I have and I do not treat him like he is a gift. Maybe I will be just a little kinder.

If you are like me when you are breathing bad you get mean !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I do if my breathing gets worse my temper gets worse and you can't do anything to please me. I do not know are you girls like this?

Well sorry I went on and on but this is a big subject. Thanks for caring and sharing your information. Thanks for being so supportive all the time .. We do understand!!!!!!

Hugs !!!!!!!!!!!! SMOKE FREE AND LOVING IT ... JUST... PAYING IT FORWARD !!!!

[luvsroses_barb]

Oh my goodness YES! I'm vicious when I can't breathe. My poor sweetie. I can't even count the times I've had to apologize for my behavior when I get like that to him. It's just awful. Tom has told lots of people that I have emphysema, and not once has he mentioned it was because I smoked. He told me lots of times to quit. And I wouldn't blame him if he told people that. I've learned to deal with the guilt and moved on to just trying to deal with the disease now. I figured that there is nothing at all I can do to change what I did and no amount of guilt is ever going to change the fact that it was me who gave me this disease. The best way to deal with it is to try to be a messenger to others to not make the same mistakes by smoking. And now when I tell people I have it, I freely admit why.

Kelli, your husband has gone through a very traumatic ordeal through all of this too. Although he hasn't had to experience the guilt you have, or the pains of not being able to breathe, he is still going through his own personal hell. It's always easier to blame somebody else for the bad things that happen. I tried to blame my emphysema on my old doctor for a long time. I thought it was his fault for not telling me that Chronic Bronchitis was a smoking related illness, and that had I have known that, I might have quit sooner. Before I got the emphysema. But he told me to quit hundreds of times. I wouldn't have quit any sooner than I did because I just wasn't ready to. So I finally quit blaming him, and put the blame where the blame was due, on myself. Your husband lost his bride. He needs to blame something or someone. In time, he'll eventually quit blaming too, and realize that no amount of blaming is going to make you suddenly married again, or make your breathing better, or make your emphysema go away. He'll come to realize that the best way to deal with all of this is just to give you support, because in so doing, he will be supporting and healing himself too. Glad to hear that Curves is going so well for you. I guess I'll have to get up off my duff and do something too or people won't think we're sisters anymore. LOL.

[spunkie]

Barb thanks so much for sharing .. I am so glad you point out what our hubbies have lost this changes there lives also,. I think about all the time my husband has had to sit in the hosp or take care of me etc.

It was great you pointed that out we forget that this is now a just me illness.

Now like you said I better get off my duff and move around a little or I am going to weigh a ton.

There you are Kellie at Curves and me here on my duff.. :Love you girls it is so nice to share where you know you are understood.

SMOKE FREE AND LOVING IT ..JUST.. PAYING IT FORWARD!!!!!!!!!!