Cutting Back, The Motto, Depression, etc.

Blog Post created by xjamarkx on Aug 19, 2017

Hey Blog,

I've had some depression lately. When I have it really bad, I don't talk much to anyone. Mom always asks if I'm okay, she worries, but I tell her everything's fine, because the depression comes and goes as it has for many years now.

 I was down to 8 cigs a day. But today, within 24 hours, only had about 4 left in the pack. I'm already beating myself up over not doing better, and I often fear if I say something on my blog here that's wrong or stupid, then I have to punish myself. I dunno.

I know the motto here is "take what you like/need/the-best, and leave the rest". Sometimes it gets tricky to figure out a helpful/good/heart-filled/easy-yet-honest comment, from a sarcastic/sinister/mean comment, and also discerning a comment that is, as I stated that never helps me, a tough-love comment versus a empathetic/easy-yet-truthful comment.
I saw in the rules, even, number one, says that not everyone responds well to tough love. There is a happy-medium in existence. But even as myself, I believe we (and I) need to think before we speak (or type, rather).

I HAD to get that off my chest. It was nagging at me. I can't apologize for that, because that is my opinion, and the truth as I see it. I do adore that motto, sincerely, yet it's just difficult for me to discern. I bet if we were talking in person, I would understand all that's told to me much better, because when someone types something, the emotion behind it can be misinterpreted. I believe strongly that this is why I come across as the one who "gets offended" all the time. And it gets very embarrassing.

That depression that is lingering with me, it will hit STRONG right when I begin to feel the tiniest bit of Hope. That's when depression attacks. The depression (I won't say 'my' depression - I refuse to own it!) always attacks when that glimmer of hope comes; when I begin to tell myself "I can do this today". It comes invading when I begin to feel loved; when I get great ideas to write down; and now, here lately, it tries to keep me indoors. It makes me have a fear to go outside among others. I didn't used to be like this. Maybe my psych doc needs to up one of my meds. I talked to my counselor about the depression. I'm on Abilify 5mg. I've been on 15mg before, but back then, he took me off Abilify and put me on Invega, then removed me from Invega and put me on some anti-seizure med (which I have seizures, but not epelectic (spelling?) and when I had a neurologist, he said they were probably caused by extreme stress, caffeine, and even some foods bothered it. I haven't had a seizure in a long time now, but I think it's because I'm on a med for that pinched nerve in my neck. It's an anti-seizure med too. Okay anyway, after I was on the seizure me he tried in place of an antipsychotic, I got a terrible rash from it, and had to go to a special dermatologist. Then to change my med to Risperdal (which is the best med out there, but caused me to get gynecomastia) and to change the med he put me in the hospital psych floor. I've been there 3 or 4 times; out of the 4, 2 was because of cutting too deep and I wanted to die... but the other 2, one was for the rash and to change and put me on Risperdal.. and that was a terrible experience. It's like prison there, and now I just try to be quiet and obey, and take the stupid meds and I am able to stay out of the psych hospital. If you cooperate, you get out sooner. If you give in to your impulses when the docs and nurses try to get you to fly off the handle, then you have to stay longer. Sounds dumb, I know - but my entire town and county is dumb.

So anyway, with all that jibber jabber I just typed out, moving on - I just need the Abilify increased maybe, it works with my Cymbalta to help stop depression. Although Abilify don't help like Risperdal did, it does help a little. Better sometimes though to go on through life without meds cuz the side effects are so harsh. I'd rather hear the man in the back of my mind and his people talk and yell all day long to me, rather than continueing to be FAT, because yes I am Fat. My belly has distended (I think that's the word) because of medications. Sometimes I think the doctors are trying to kill me off. And when I'm fat and unhealthy, they can take advantage of me. They want me put away, I know it. They don't want to deal with me anymore. Maybe I'm over thinking this, but it's just very strange... strange things going on lately; not just in medical field, but in EVERY thing.

 Okay well, I've talked enough for now. I am going to find some of those reading materials you guys have and read a bit until I get sleepy and can go to sleep. Mom and I haven't been getting good sleep lately.

Bye for now.