stAn3

7/9/2019 check in

Blog Post created by stAn3 on Jul 9, 2019

I’ve been having more smoking thoughts, urges to smoke. So I’m participating more in the community. In the past, I always failed to do the maintenance. I would try to handle it on my own, not tell anybody. I relied on the smoke-free days I already accumulated. This gave me a false sense of comfort.

 

i am getting close to some big changes, positive changes. I start a new job on Monday. In a month, I will be free of my current company. I don’t hate the job I have now. Nor do I hate my current employer. It just no longer benefits me to work there so I’m moving on. Because I have stuck it out, I can possibly come back to this company in the future. I’m proud of myself for that.

 

I’m starting grad school in about a month. This is a no-matter-what situation for me because I have relapsed multiple times, using school stress as an excuse. I know I will be triggered once school starts. I also know I can come to this site and treat my disease.

 

 I’m overwhelmed thinking about the future and the changes I need to make. At times I want to ignore everything and just run and hide. Sometimes I do run and hide by just laying in bed all day and not talking to anyone.

 

Today I’m being proactive. I take smoking thoughts seriously. I am heavier now than I have ever been in my life. The doctor told me to walk two miles five days a week and to quit drinking sugary drinks. He told me to drink plenty of water. I balked at first. I don’t want to add losing weight to the goals I already have. I don’t want to add more behaviors to the list of things I have to change. But today, I made a decision to do it. I’m planning how I’m going to get my two miles in tomorrow. I’m drinking water and avoiding sugary drinks. I don’t want to quit smoking, then die of inactivity and a poor diet. I want to live and enjoy my life, not suffer from avoidable illness.

 

So fear is what I feel when I think of the future. Anger is what I feel when I think of mistakes I’ve made. Excitement is what I feel when I think about July 30th because it will make a year of not smoking.

 

I think that’s all I have to check in right now.

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