I’ve been having more smoking thoughts, urges to smoke. So I’m participating more in the community. In the past, I always failed to do the maintenance. I would try to handle it on my own, not tell anybody. I relied on the smoke-free days I already accumulated. This gave me a false sense of comfort.
i am getting close to some big changes, positive changes. I start a new job on Monday. In a month, I will be free of my current company. I don’t hate the job I have now. Nor do I hate my current employer. It just no longer benefits me to work there so I’m moving on. Because I have stuck it out, I can possibly come back to this company in the future. I’m proud of myself for that.
I’m starting grad school in about a month. This is a no-matter-what situation for me because I have relapsed multiple times, using school stress as an excuse. I know I will be triggered once school starts. I also know I can come to this site and treat my disease.
I’m overwhelmed thinking about the future and the changes I need to make. At times I want to ignore everything and just run and hide. Sometimes I do run and hide by just laying in bed all day and not talking to anyone.
Today I’m being proactive. I take smoking thoughts seriously. I am heavier now than I have ever been in my life. The doctor told me to walk two miles five days a week and to quit drinking sugary drinks. He told me to drink plenty of water. I balked at first. I don’t want to add losing weight to the goals I already have. I don’t want to add more behaviors to the list of things I have to change. But today, I made a decision to do it. I’m planning how I’m going to get my two miles in tomorrow. I’m drinking water and avoiding sugary drinks. I don’t want to quit smoking, then die of inactivity and a poor diet. I want to live and enjoy my life, not suffer from avoidable illness.
So fear is what I feel when I think of the future. Anger is what I feel when I think of mistakes I’ve made. Excitement is what I feel when I think about July 30th because it will make a year of not smoking.
I think that’s all I have to check in right now.