So all I can say is that in my little world the holidays have always been a time of increased stress and anxiety. Suffice to say my family just does not get along. We have had some years together during the holidays but as many without being together. This was a year of not being together. Though it is painful and has always been pretty dang sad that we can't just all get along, it was really okay this year for me to be here with my beloved dog and not with family. And my mom, typical of her, slept through the whole day, much to the (annual) disappointment of my sister...Oh mercy, I could go on and on. But I won't.
I'm 100% sure there are others of you who have family tensions or suffer losses, grief, etc., especially during the holidays. Quite a few of you in here have mentioned losing spouses. I can't imagine what the must be like, ever, but especially during the holidays. And I'm sorry for your pain. Truly. ...
Conversely, I'm sure there are those of you who love your people, enjoy being with them always, feel so very happy when the family is home, and so on. And I am super glad for you and yours. I have friends who have that gift. I've luckily been able to spend lots of holidays over the years with other happy families. And it is indeed a beautiful thing to witness.
Not me; not us. It's agony, the holidays. Always has been. And I cannot begin to imagine a time in which the season is not. We diligently tried for years and years and years to heal. And it just wasn't meant to be, or the timing has been off, or..,who knows. But we just cannot seem to get along. Ever.
So that's my sad, self-pitying story for the day. I'm finding sometimes that when I'm on here for too long (hours verses 30-45 minutes), I begin to think about smoking. Maybe it's just seeing the word over and over and over again: cigarette, cigarette, cigarette. I don't know. So...well, it's just a time, right now, for me to get into some more action. I've been doing more research today about nicotine receptors and the time it takes for them to get back to a size that won't affect me so dang much. This is, as ya'll have said repeatedly, a long, long journey of patience, willingness to stay the course, and stamina.
All I can tell you is that, boy oh boy, I am trying.
I hope you all have a lovely, smoke-free day. Thank you for being on Ex and for your kind support.
I will not smoke today.
Thank You For Not Smoking.