Ive been having a really tough day today, in fact if im being honest its been a tough few days. Work stress, the car decides to finally give in, rent is late and it just seems like the whole world has conspired to make this happen as I approach a month smoke free.
So theres this want, this desire to just have a smoke and give in. I tell myself maybe this isnt the right time to quit, there's too much stress right now. I conspire that cigarettes were always my little treat to myself, I could escape the office and have a smoke, I could deal with stress by smoking and numbing myself for those few mins.
Then I realize ive been here before, This is a familiar story, This is junkie brain trying its best to get me to just have one because its worried that it may never get another hit. Having quit numerous times I remember now how terrible it feels when you lose a quit by giving in. How after abstaining for a while you relaize how terrible a ciagartte really is. I remember before after quitting for a few months and then giving in: I was almost trying to smoke as many as I could as quick as i could to be hooked again, becaue i wasn't getting anything from any of the cigarettes I smoked. No pleasure, no relief, no numbness. Id given in but couldnt get back to enjoying smoking and I thought this was a bad thing!
This is what this drug will do to your way of thinking. This is why just saying NO today no matter what is happening in your life is the single most important thing you can do today. Dont be fooled by your own brain, it can get very creative and always find a reason why you should smoke. Try to remember all the reasons you shouldnt and find the one that resonates with you. Today for me its remembering how my body feels after I have a cigarette having abstained for a while. I can feel my heart racing, my anxious mind raching, everything in my body reacting to the poison coming in. And the terrible shame of having failed another quit along with the realization that it does absoloutely nothing for me.
I never want that feeling again so today despite everything seeming like its falling apart I choose to say No and to get through today how i started today, smoke free. One day at a time...
