Impatient

[noetoez]

Didn't go to bed until almost 2 in the morning last night. Woke up this morning with that all too familiar tightness back. I paced my house, put on the aromatherapy, drank water, ate ice cubes, colored in my swear word coloring book. Outside exercise is still out of the question, the fire on the other side of the mountain is still burning. Last I checked, over 20K acres of brush and forest.

That picture isn't clouds. It's smoke.

I felt like dirt at home by myself all morning. Husband got home from work mid afternoon. We decided to go to Lowe's and wander around looking at things we can't afford to do to our house. Dream and plan for "someday." And I felt better, sufficiently distracted, forgot the trash feeling. Got home, ate dinner. Immediately after dinner, that awful chest feeling is back. Why why WHY?? I am sure my lungs are just being irritated by the smoke in the air. My poor lungs had just started feeling better.

I am so frustrated by how I feel right now. It feels like I did at the beginning of week 2. This is the beginning of week 4. 

Tomorrow I am going to be interviewed on video for work for some employee appreciation thing. When the COVID crisis started, my department sent me as a "volunteer" to the emergency operations center at the fire department. I was supposed to be there 2 weeks, I was there for 3 months. I was there willingly, but not really a volunteer. My department continued to pay me. All admin level stuff, writing, moderating meetings, reports, nothing exciting or special. But to the higher ups, and those playing the internal politics games, interviewing an employee who worked at the fire dept for 3 months sounds great. Part of my feeling is probably nerves. I have no idea what the interview will include, or how many people will see it. Just my one customer department is almost 4,000 people. Almost half of them might recognize my name from seeing things I have written. But only a very very small portion knows what my face looks like or voice sounds like. The last video they did where they interviewed department heads was put on the internal website homepage for all departments to see. I'm very nervous. The old me smoked when she was nervous. Now me does not do that. Now me is still super awkward, gets easily embarrassed, blushes if one person looks at her  for longer than 5 seconds and stumbles all over her words when she speaks. Now me is not looking forward to this interview.

Nerves and wildfire smoke filled air. Probably why I feel like awful. Doesn't make me any less frustrated. But I will not do this again. This the last time I quit smoking. The last time I go through this process.