missellen

Day (W)on For the Last Time

Blog Post created by missellen on Apr 6, 2018

I was so tempted to add, 'I Hope' to my title, but I stopped myself. Something that's occurred to me over the past few days is how I've approached my quit previously. And that was with obvious trepidation, but also with a built-in "out".  I would talk about it as 'trying to quit' and not just, 'I'm no longer a smoker'.  

 

By saying that I was trying, I was allowing myself to quit my quit before I even began it--talk about planning one's relapse!   So, I've been examining why that is and while I haven't come up with a definitive answer as to the why, I feel pretty good that I recognized what I was doing.

 

I had a long talk with my husband, Mark, about this last night. We talked about a lot of different things, not just my quitting smoking, but about self-discipline (not always a strong suit of mine in many areas), addiction, how we want to be much older together, the things I have accomplished in my life that required self-discipline/impulse control and other things.  It felt good and feels good still.

 

This morning I got up early and took a shower. I went to my secret smoker spot with a coffee and my cigarettes and I talked to myself while I smoked my last one.  I told my friend, who became my frenemy, but who was actually always my enemy, that I was done trying, I was doing. That I have the tools, I have the support, I have the desire, the ability and the will.  I finished my last cigarette at 7:33 am, April 6, 2018. I threw out the rest of the pack and the lighter and cleaned the windows and dashboard.  I have a yoga class at 10:30 this morning and the idea of spending an hour focusing on nothing but my breathing and my intention sounds very freeing indeed. 

 

I'm glad it's Friday, so if I feel crappy over the next few few days, I'll be at home where I don't have to try and do my job!  I've cleared the books from family obligations and whatnot this weekend, as well. I'm going to focus on me and me alone for the next few days. That was something I didn't really allow myself these last two quits--I tried to still do everything as I've always done them--again, setting myself up for failure. I talked a good game, as addicts do, but I didn't actually change much of anything. I also completely focused on what I was 'losing' and 'giving up' by quitting, not on what I was gaining--which also set the stage for relapse. I was so down at the mouth about denying myself, that I totally lost sight of the positive that quitting is and what quitting actually provides. Frankly, I don't know if I even gave the positives more than a cursory thought.

 

Again, thank you for the support and the wisdom.  Here in Cleveland, it is the home opener for baseball season, it's snowy and cold, as many of our opening days are and I am no longer a smoker. Go Tribe!

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