Uhg, I am going to FL to be with my mom for 6 days. (If you've been around EX for a while you know she makes me crazier than normal) I should have booked the flight for 4 days but decided to be more thrifty and go mid week. She is turning 90 and no one else in the family will be there so I figured I need to go. It's a big milestone and she may not see another birthday. Hah, that woman will outlive us all! She's just starting to lose her memory. The guilt that I would feel by not going is fighting with my current mental and physical conditions which are screaming at me to stay home. I'm still fighting to get my medicine so I can sleep and I MIGHT be able to get it sorted out but certainly not before my flight takes off on Wednesday. We also have construction going on and I need to get my oldest son's services restarted, if they have someone. The whole thing is making me upset and all I can do is shake and cry. I can't even wash and pack clothes or anything, I'm just fighting with go or stay, go or stay. It's just too much to handle right now, especially with not sleeping much.
I almost want a smoke. I know all the reasons, triggers, sayings, mantras, and occasional slaps on the back of my head as a wake-up call so I know I won't smoke. It's just that I hit one of my walls and it's harder to crawl over than usual so I have a thin thread that wants to pull me back to the demon. Wants being the key word here. I will not let the thread pull me back, I've been slowly cutting ropes, cords, fishing lines, strings and keep snipping threads but there are still a few left to sever and I'll always have to be mindful of them and new ones that want to attach.
Help! I don't know what to do. I would love any input/insight you all can give because I can't even think straight.
Julie
