kenfree77

Avoidance or Self-Preservation?

Blog Post created by kenfree77 on Mar 31, 2018

I did something that I feel guilty about this morning.  It's partially rooted in my quit, and, I can't really talk about it with anyone I know in real life without getting myself in trouble, so I'll figured this would be the place.

So, here's the backstory:  About a month ago, a buddy of mine asked I would be willing to go to a wedding with him as a plus one if he couldn't find a date.  While he knew a lot of the people that would be at the wedding, he didn't want to go alone because it's kind of a trek and there would be tons of people he didn't really know at the wedding.  Without thinking, and assuming he'd find some girl to be his date in the upcoming month, I said, "Sure."  Then, totally forgot about it.  On Wednesday, he was like, "Hey, are you still available to come with me Saturday?  I struck out finding a date and really don't want to go alone."   Again, without really thinking it through, I agreed.

So, last night when he was telling me when we'd have to leave, etc, I was started realizing how much I did NOT want to go at all.  I wouldn't know a single person other than my friend.  He's a VERY social guy, and knowing how weddings are, he'd be all around socializing with the people he did know, if not the people he didn't.  I'm by no means a wallflower, but I don't do well in huge settings if I don't know anyone. It's the type of situation where if I got bored or uncomfortable, I'd just leave.   But this event is too far away to do that.

 

Aside from just not overly wanting to go in general, my quit kind of pushed me over the edge.  I know a lot of things about myself and smoking (or not smoking) since I've tried this so many times.

 

1.  When I'm uncomfortable or bored, I drink more.

2. When I drink more, I'm more susceptible to losing it.

3. I've been able to drink throughout this quit, because I've made the pact with myself that I just leave if I can't handle it and don't worry about anyone else's feelings.

4. Smoking has always been my escape from an uncomfortable conversation, that I don't want to be in.

5.  I don't feel ready to for this many variables right now.

 

So, I told him I didn't feel well this morning and wasn't sure I could handle an all day event.  I feel guilty about being dishonest, but this late in the game, I couldn't say, "I'm worried about my quit" and the whole situation just makes me really rude.

This quit has been all about facing challenges head-on, but this is an extreme one and while I know at some point I'll face it, I don't really want to right now.

 

But I can't help wonder, am I just avoiding it, or am I doing right by myself and my quit by knowing what I think are my limitations...

 

At least despite the self-induced stress and guilt, I am NOT craving a cigarette.  Silver linings, I guess.

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