I needed to blog today. I'm going into, or perhaps in week 3. I have to be honest, I'm not sure where I am in the days and weeks and I really don't want to focus on that. I'm trying to learn my way through the moments rather than look too far a head. I've noticed some really great benefits to quitting, but I also noticed some very difficult challenges. I feel each one of those is important to understanding why I want to quit, but also why it's difficult to stay quit. I already quit
Today, for instance, I woke up feeling really good. Today is the day that I put everything aside and just enjoy the day, keeping in mind my recovery and using it to exercise, blog, journal, read and just be in the moment. That is something that I think everyone should do, is have a day where you just focus on your recovery and use whatever you can, whatever method you can to stay quit. There are moments when, yes, I think to myself, "What could it hurt to have just one cigarette?" Sometimes that thought repeats over and over again. That's why having one day to really sit down with my thoughts and find out why that thought keeps surfacing. I think I see smoking as a treat. I hate having to admit that to myself. I don't actually believe it, but there is a small part of me that thinks that having one is a good thing. Yet, if I really look closer at it I see that it hasn't been a treat for me. It's caused me to feel badly about myself, as though I've had this sick secret that I feel I need to hide. It's been a source of bad sleeping habits and it controls my thoughts to the point where when I was smoking, I had to schedule it into my day and, at times, into my finances. Smoking isn't cheap.
Then, I have those great moments, when I get up in the morning feeling refreshed without any withdrawls and I'm thrilled that I quit. I have more of an appetite. I don't feel scattered and my brain isn't just focused on having a cigarette. Today, I got up and went for a walk with my dogs and made 4 loops around the park, came home, ate and now I have a moment to sit here and share my thoughts. Sure, I wish someone, somewhere would pat me on the back, or hug me and tell me how proud they are, but I don't honestly think that's necessary. I just need to find something inside me that is proud of my accomplishment and be okay with just that. That's the other thing.....How often I have abused myself by smoking and never really paying attention to the good choices I've made, because the bad one always seemed louder and more intrusive. Makes me wonder why we choose to hurt ourselves over being proud of ourselves. Thoughts?
I wanted to end this by saying that the single most important, inspiring push I have in the day is when I see someone, or hear a story about someone who has done something positive for themselves and did it because it was the right thing to do. Making any choice that is good for us isn't always easy, but it is worth it.
Take care. Enjoy the day and be proud!