Complete Failure

Blog Post created by eleanorbowers1985 on Mar 4, 2018

Well, my set quit day came and went and I still haven't quit. I've come up with many excuses as to why I haven't quit yet:

1) I'm overwhelmed with being a stay at home mom who just started a new job from home, and will soon be starting a second job from home, and is beyond stressed watching the kids and trying to meet deadlines.

2) The day before I was to quit I received coupons in the mail for money off the brand of cigarettes I smoke -- my stupid thinking being why not use them?

3) I enjoy the break of going outside for 5 minutes and playing games on my phone to get away from my kids when they're driving me insane!

4) Having doubts I'm really ready to quit with all that is going on in my life... My husband just coming off a heroin relapse and just starting to try and find a job again but not having much luck, having to take care off basically all household needs for everyone (hubby not being much help right now being bi-polar with medications not working and having constant swings in his mood) - finding psychiatric care for myself (bad anxiety, severe depression and agoraphobic tendencies) and husband to manage everything and having no luck at all finding a psychiatrist who is accepting new patients, having my first PCP assigned through our insurance (moved from FL to IN couple months ago) changing my psych medications I've been on for 10+ years (and have worked wonders for me at the doses I've been on) and now running the risk of running out  of them before I can get in to see my new assigned doctor PLUS having my body trying to adjust to the changes...


Yet, I know in the back of my mind I'm just using these excuses to justify why I didn't stick to my quit day. For the first time (even though I've tried quitting in the past) I actually WANT to quit -- everything in my body and mind is telling me it's time and I need to do this. Except every time I buy a new pack I say to myself "this is the last one." Then I run out and I figure the next pack will be the last one.....I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO NOW!! I feel defeated....