Hi everyone -
Obviously I am not a huge social media person. I check in periodically but not continuously.
I did make it to 6 months. I am still working with desire cravings - the instinctive draw that smoking would be "great" right now. It's the change in the seasons, and the other things I have mentioned previously - the grieving. But, I don't act on the cravings, even though they are still relatively powerful.
I think it through: I imagine rolling that tobacco up, the soft feel in my hands, the sweet-bitter smell of it, licking the rolling paper and smoothing out the sides - it turns me on in an addict kind of way to even think about that. But that's about as good as it gets. Then there's putting it in my mouth and lighting it, and the anticipation in my brain chemistry that this will make me feel better. But instead, I can barely inhale because it's been so long, and instead of tasting like a captain's pipe it tastes like ash, and I'm coughing, and then the despondency comes in because I realize I've blown my quit, and even though I could very well lie to myself and say I'll stop again tomorrow, I've been here before and I know that is not a truth. The truth is I have no idea if this is a one-and-done, or if I'm going to be smoking for another 2 weeks or 20 years. I've opened the gate and let the goblins in. There's a chance that I could say screw it and keep smoking, and then knowing that I've just hurt myself, my lungs and blood, my life, and thrown away A LOT of work to try to get relief from something that won't give me relief anymore. So that's how it goes.
I don't always need to go through all that, but when the desire is strong, I step back and think the whole thing through, and that's what I see. Sometimes, I feel a little better after that and can move on. But sometimes, I still don't feel relief. And sometimes, there is no relief. I have to put those moments as petitions at the feet of Lord Time, and wait it out. I have my ways - I like to go for a walk or listen to something interesting, eat something or meditate, or just sit and let the feelings come and trust that they will pass. They always do. Sometimes the pass quickly, sometimes they last a long time - maybe all day or all night. But things change, and then a moment comes when I do feel better, and I have learned to truly appreciate those. I know they will pass too, sadly. There's nothing steady or permanent in this life experience. As much as I have wanted love to stay, or summer to last, or to always have my son around, or to smoke forever with impunity, it doesn't work that way. Things change, and not always on my clock. That's good news when they suck, and hard news when they're really good.
So I'm working with all of that. So freakin' grateful to have not smoked for 6 months. And, still in the hallway of transformation, becoming someone new, moving into a new life that remains yet undefined, which includes the not smoking. I think each season in this year will be a first where I will have to experience and learn what it is like without smoking. If I make it, next year I will have a familiarity, and beyond that time, even more normalcy.
I'm here and chipping away at this quit day by day, and sometimes still minute by minute. Ain't nothing now that smoking will fix, so it's life on life's terms the best I can.
For anyone who is newer - don't let all this seem overwhelming. It's a gradually then suddenly thing. Win the minute, win the day, and that might seem slow and gradual, and then suddenly your at a month, two, three, six. I would say every chunk of time you win by not smoking brings you that much closer to the life that you want. No one wants to cross the finish line too early with tarred lungs, failing heart, stained skin and bloodshot eyes. You want to walk up to it with some dignity, and have the breath and strength and a little hope left to make it a good finish. We're not gonna live forever.
So I encourage those of you who are struggling to hold on and make it through the second, minute, hour. Do what you need to do, just don't smoke. It does get easier, and it gets more normal and familiar, and you do learn to deal with feelings and experiences, and your brain chemistry slowly starts to heal. It's worth it. You're worth it. If I can do it, you can do it!
