#Day5
As work time came close to ending the “thoughts” of what I would normally do after work. The thought ranked up craving. Breathed though it and made it home without a side stop at the quikymart.
got home , it subsided.
Been home for a while keeping busy and still have anxiety waves. Psychological notions of triggers I want to make note of.
I was a stealth vaper. If family was in the living room I’d “go to the —- fill in the blank.
Seems like i am roaming, I reach for my pocket, anything where I have an associated memory can elicit those feelings a bit. I am sitting now in my normal chair watching tv with the family. And my pattern was when spouse would go to bed, we are on a different schedule I’d stay up and watch tv and vape.
We recently got off cable TV And I’ve found myself more or less without anything other than the vape .
Finding Alternatives to both is important.
The physical stuff seems to be fairly well gone.
Now I am in the mind games. I think about my daily activities and lord god how many places and thoughts we associate with our addictions..
drove every shop on way home and Could walk in to any of those and most tellers would see me coming and reach behind the counters and grab “my brand”.
was thinking for a second I need to run and get sand bags to stop a flood around our house, which I do. I had to think was my thought real or a justification. Done with it. Came clean with the family. Everyone was ok. Wife had busted me in the past and this time the conversation came up about a battery left in the dryer after doing laundry a while back, I owned it. Owned the lies about it.
This time telling her and owning it wasn’t with Pen in my pocket waiting for her to go to bed.
If you are trying to hide it; you ain’t quitting.
make sure to open up . Get real.
