On April 5, 2020, I decided that I won't be smoking anymore. I had been smoking for 10 years before that and this was my first attempt at quitting. I was afraid at the beginning but my resolve was strong. There was also this feeling to experiment on how long i could stay without smoking.
I stayed smoke free for 32 days before lighting up another Cigarette on my 33rd day. It was really shattering at that moment and after seeing the benefits of a smoke free life, i didn't really feel good about it. I thought I would come and post here that I smoked, But I didn't. It was a conscious choice as I felt that maybe one cigarette shouldn't undo all my efforts and I shouldn't start from day 0 unless I become a regular smoker again.
So, the day passed. I didn't smoke for another 10-12 days and I forgot about this whole episode. And then I smoked again. I again thought of coming here and posting but stopped again thinking maybe it's okay to smoke occasionally. I felt that 2 cigs in 45 days is not a bad thing and if I could live with smoking just 1-2 cigs a month, its not a bad thing.
And then I smoked again next week and then another one in 2-3 day after. It was not clear to me anymore if I am a smoker or a non smoker now. I stayed this way for up to whole of may and June. July came, I was facing some stress due to certain things in life and I decided that i should smoke freely for a few days as a support. I have been smoking close to 15 cigs a day right now. The stress remains and adding to that, i don't feel strong from within. I hate this feeling of smoking and It's hampering my life.
The good thing in this whole episode is that I know now that If I want, I can stay smoke free. I also know that cig as a support is an illusion as I felt more stronger and stable and focused when I didn't smoke. I also can feel the health hazards I face when I smoke as I have my two months of April and May to compare. I also know that there is no such thing as just one smoke. If I don't smoke, I just don't. Never, Ever!
With that, and with finishing my pack of cigarettes today morning, where I hurriedly smoked around 8-10 cigs in a span of 3 hours just to get to this point, I am ready to quit. It's my day 0 and I am as determined as ever to not begin again. This place has been the biggest support in my journey to quit smoking and I hope I can be part of the community again.
I'll keep on posting as days goes by and I apologize for giving up the last time.
