Shattered Dream - Day 10

Blog Post created by Tyl3rdurd3n on Apr 15, 2020

It was so strange today!

I was feeling sleepy after my morning breakfast. Usually I would resist this temptation to sleep (I am not working for past few months so I am trying to be disciplined so as to stay on path), but these days, since I have quit smoking, other than the urge to smoke I am not resisting anything else. It's easier this way. Day naps disturbs my sleep patterns at night so i wanted to resist it, but i didn't and went to sleep anyways.

It's my 10th day of quitting. While I have had withdrawal symptoms, everything have been manageable so far and I have enjoyed these 10 days more than the time I was smoking. I have had urges to smoke, some strong ones, but i have been able to overcome them and i have not felt miserable so far. But today was different!

So, i slept during the day, i think at around 11.30 am. The sleep was not very sound. I think i was uncomfortable unconsciously, maybe a bit lethargic too. When i am having a disturbed sleep, generally i find it hard to wake up. Instead i would be tossing and turning in bed, half asleep and not able to sleep or wake up. And that's the same thing which was happening to me, I think at around 1.30 pm.

And that's when something clicked in my mind, maybe in my dream. And i woke up excited instantly. It was the lure to get something I didn't had full realization yet what it was. And I was out of bed, fully awake. And that's when i realized that the lure of my next cigarette got me up. My mind tricked me into telling that i would get it if i wake up.

I was up now. Trying to tell myself its not true. Maybe it was something else, maybe it was the excitement to eat something amazing for lunch. Or to check out my mobile and talk to friends. Or to work on some interesting project. But In reality, I got up so excited thinking that i am going to smoke. It was a feeling of some dream getting shattered!

This was my strongest urge in last 10 days. I really felt sad and if i had a cigarette in my drawer now, i would have smoked. Nothing would have stopped me. Thank god i didn't have it.

Anyways its over now. It was a little scary but i am fine now. And i live smokeless another day  

It's really amazing to put these thoughts here. To have you all as a support. Gives me strength and a place where i feel comfortable sharing