There was a time when I couldn’t imagine not smoking. Twice, I’d given up smoking for Lent. I was successful because I knew at the end of Lent I was going to resume smoking. The thought of going the rest of my life without smoking was overwhelming. I not only wondered if I could do it but I also wondered if I wanted to do it. I agonized for years. I was torn between the “desire” to smoke and feeling like “a bad little girl” every time I took a puff. I made attempts to stop over the years and when I only went a couple days without smoking I faulted myself. I thought it was a character defect. I had no knowledge about nicotine addiction.
Last April, I broke down crying during a visit to the clinic. The nurse practitioner listened as I cried about wanting to stop smoking and not being able to. She recommended using anti-depressants. I took the prescription but I had no idea how taking an anti-depressant helps with smoking cessation and I didn't ask. I started taking the medication. I had no idea how it was supposed to help. Would I lose the desire to smoke? Would cigarettes begin to taste awful or rather worse and I'd no longer want to smoke? I searched the internet for articles on anti-depressants and smoking cessation. Lo and behold, I found the Mayo clinic quit program and the online BecomeAnEx website. The rest as they say is history.
It's been 300 days since my last smoke. Last night, I was hanging out near my last residence and I was flooded with memories. I thought about the fact that I was smoking "back then." Today, I woke up triggered and very emotional. I know why I’m triggered and I know it’ll pass. It's not clear what I'm feeling but I've been crying on and off. I believe part of it is realizing that I’ve made it longer without a smoke then I ever imagined I could and I'm overwhelmed.
Two days ago, I was going through my bookcase and found some loose pages from my diary. I believe in synchronicity so I decided to share them. In 2010, I learned about Allen Carr’s book.
02Feb10
Well the book “The Easy Way To Stop Smoking” arrived today. It’ll be interesting to see what happens. Before I start reading it, I want to jot down what I’ve “learned” about {what I experience whenever I've tried to stop} smoking to see if any of it is verified or debunked by the book.
- The first 3 days are difficult. {I always experience} A rush of emotional pain {that} begins to surface.
- I don’t really enjoy the taste of a cigarette. I usually want something sweet to drink while smoking. Alcohol is the preferred drink – seeing that alcohol is high in sugar.
- Cigarettes don’t really calm my nerves – it just masks the emotion that I’m feeling. It helps to “numb” the pain.
- It’s about the emotions that I’m trying to avoid.
15May10
It’s 9:30am & I once again find myself in the battle again. The battle with smoking.
Fears:
That I’ll never defeat the nicotine addiction.
That I’ll ____________________________.
Just do it! Just do it! Just do it!
It’s time to live in the now.
It’s time to take one day at a time.
It’s time to let go of the past.
It’s time to make resistance a partner.
It’s time. It’s time. It’s time.
Deal with the what-ifs when they’re the “are(s)” & not before.
Take each moment one at a time.
All there is is now, not then & not when but now.
It’s time.
Love and Light
TurboRose aka Michele 300 DOF
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