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Share your quitting journey

Day 1 - I Stumbled Coming Out of the Starting Gate

TurboRose
Member
1 18 182
‎07-01-2017 11:07 PM

I thought it was a good idea to stop smoking last night at midnight.  It might have been a good idea but it didn’t work out the way I envisioned.  I woke up this morning feeling very anxious and craving a smoke.  I took the dog for a walk and found some butts I hadn’t thrown away.  By 8:30am, I was smoking one.  I stumbled and I needed to decide the best way to proceed.  Sleeping kept me from smoking but it’s during my waking hours when I’m faced with having to make a choice that matters.  I couldn’t leave the house to get cigarettes due to a parade.  It gave me time to ride it out but I became obsessed with having a cigarette.  The butt may have taken the edge off but it wasn’t satisfying and I didn’t want it to be my last memory of smoking.  It left me wanting more.  I decided to reset my stop time to 12 noon.  By the time the parade ended, I had about an hour before noon.  I bought a pack of cigarettes, kept 3, threw away the rest and smoked until noon.  It’s almost 10 hours later and I’m hanging in there.  I feel empowered because I’m choosing not to smoke.  I didn’t judge or condemn myself for stumbling and I wanted to start again.  I decided not to hide, lie or pretend like it didn’t happen.  I knew I would be encouraged, supported and not judged.  Tomorrow morning, I’ll take my first daily pledge.

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About the Author
My relationship with Nic O. Tine began when I was a kid. Occasionally, my dad would have me light his cigarette (Philip Morris.) By age10, I was sneaking butts and once I took a whole cigarette. It was also when my dad’s mom was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. Dad didn’t feel he had the right to caution my brothers and I against smoking. It was my mom who told us not to smoke. She became very critical of smokers and smoking. Shortly, after my grandmother’s death, I witnessed a moment that stuck with me: My mom and dad were standing in the bathroom. Dad was throwing his cigarettes in the toilet vowing to quit. My dad smoked until he died. In high school, a couple of my friends smoked and I would bum smokes from them. I didn’t want to consider myself a “smoker” because of my mom’s harsh opinions. I figured as long as I didn’t purchase a pack, I wasn’t a smoker. I didn’t purchase my first pack of smokes until I was a junior in college. Smoking wound up being a weapon I used to feel bad about myself. I knew it was bad for my health. I felt a tremendous amount of guilt, ashamed and like a bad little girl for disobeying my mom. It was overwhelming. Over the years, I found myself reenacting the scene I witnessed as a young girl. On a Sunday evening (always Sunday,) I’d stand in front of the toilet throwing away my smokes vowing to quit. Though I acknowledged my smoking, I never smoked in front of my parents nor any of my mom’s family. I smoked around other smokers or around people I didn’t know and didn’t care whether or not they judged me. Professionally, I’m an IT person. I did applications development, systems design, technical support and customer service. I’ve worked in the fast food, manufacturing, software and travel industries. I have also worked as a substitute teacher, hotel front desk clerk and travel agent. Currently, I work part-time as a bookkeeper for a local farmer (commodities and equestrian.) Personally, I am single, no children. I’m the youngest of 3. During my early childhood, I lived in a combined family situation. At one point, I was the youngest of 13. I am a sexual abuse survivor. I’m a 3rd generation Intuitive/Medium and I'm an empath. I enjoy photography, traveling and being creative. I have 2 cottage industry projects I’m building; Home Decor/Apparel and Intuitive/Medium (not Psychic) readings. I have the sweetest rescued Yorkshire Terrier, Tabasco.