I had my first "Smokemare" last night. I was on vacation with my family- my husband, kids, dad, stepmom, sister and her fam, two brothers. (Every year, we go to Myrtle Beach together and rent a big ol' house right on the ocean. It's a wonderful week- ALWAYS- but my husband and I used to sneak off and smoke when no one was looking.)
Well, in this nightmare, my family is headed off to somewhere fun and I'm excited to go with them, but last minute, my husband says he's not feeling well, so he's going to skip. He also says he's going to run to CVS for some charcoal tabs. (I'm thinking he's sure that no one will have THOSE on hand to offer!) I know instinctively he's planning to go grab smokes and then have himself a little party on the balcony while everyone is away.
I'm torn now-- completely out of my mind. Partly because I want to stop him. Partly because I want to join him. I never got the chance to decide in my dream because I woke up heart pounding, sweating, and totally out of breath! I swear I was just LIVING that. Indeed, it is a situation I could very well face when we go in August. It reminded me how very new I am in this journey-- and I need to be vigilant. It reminded me that I need to stay here, blogging myself blind and reading wise words from those who are much further along.
I feel like the beginning of a quit is very much like putting down a sleeping baby. Any of you who are parents will likely recall walking around in the middle of the night, gently bouncing a hysterical 20 lb (but after 30 minutes feels like 50) "bundle of joy" until they finally quieted. You first stop bouncing. Then you stop pacing. Then you SLOWLY make your way to the crib. You were smart enough to put the rail down earlier so you just lean in and try to stay as close as possible as you lay him/her on her back. You keep a hand on his/her chest for a few moments so your love feels secure and doesn't notice you trying to back away. You finally remove your hand and lift it away inches at a time. Then you realize you're going to have to get that rail back up, praying it doesn't make any noise or shake the crib! Once that is in place, if that child has blessedly decided to remain asleep, you start making your way to the door... Just stay asleep! you are praying!
I hope we all make it out of that room.
Please understand I intend to close the door and not come back-- and that is where the metaphor ends. Because everyone goes back for their children after some rest. I won't go back to poisoning the person they need the most. I feel myself coming back to them a better and better mom with every hour I say NOPE!