That's what I was! I never gambled with money because honestly, money in my mind was more important than me! I gambled with my Life! I did it over and over again for 20 Years!
I hoped that I would get that Life back by bargaining with Nicotine Addiction. But I was making a one-sided deal. I promised that if Sickerettes would only provide me with a little Comfort and Self-Esteem I would be willing to forfeit my money, time, relationships to be with them.
I bargained that if I stay away for a while I can play around with my Sickerettes without getting sick.
But Sickerettes are just dead leaves - they can't keep their side of my little bargains. Besides - they're Sickerettes! Of course, they'll make us sick!
Uh oh! I hear some Addicts out there saying, "Well, I'm not sick!" Well, yes, you are - maybe not physically (that you know about) but spiritually, mentally and emotionally! It can't be otherwise!
Did that stop me from gambling again? Heck, no! I needed the thrills and highs of beating the odds like a tight wire rope trick -
"Look at me! I smoke and there's nothing wrong with me! Ha Ha!"
Twisted - that's what my Addicted Brain was!
This dead leaf could make me feel more worthy? Of what? Dying slooooooowly?
I quit dozens of times and bargained some more -
"If I just quit for One Month (Six Months, One Year) my lungs will be clear - and, the best part of all - my high will feel higher with less tobacco!"
What a genius! NOT!
Sunday March 14, 2010 was my Day of reckoning when the illusion of health, of winning, all came crashing down! The lung infection I had that day caused a fever of 102. The X-ray showed uncontestable evidence of emphysema. The bargain was over - the Lie revealed!
For me, Serial Quitting was supposed to be the Best of both Worlds. I could sometimes be Smober, sometimes be "Quit but smoking," sometimes be a Closet Smoker - but never have to be Recovered - that's too much to ask!
Well, rude awakening - Quit means Quit - not just smober - but actually doing the hard work of Recovery!
The good news - Recovery gave me what Sickerettes promised but never delivered - Comfort and Self Esteem!
If I had only known!
Now, you do!
Bargaining with your Addiction will never give you what you really want out of Life!