Thomas3.20.2010

Gambling Addiction

Blog Post created by Thomas3.20.2010 on Mar 25, 2017

That's what I was! I never gambled with money because honestly, money in my mind was more important than me! I gambled with my Life! I did it over and over again for 20 Years!

I hoped that I would get that Life back by bargaining with Nicotine Addiction. But I was making a one-sided deal. I promised that if Sickerettes would only provide me with a little Comfort and Self-Esteem I would be willing to forfeit my money, time, relationships to be with them.

I bargained that if I stay away for a while I can play around with my Sickerettes without getting sick.

But Sickerettes are just dead leaves - they can't keep their side of my little bargains. Besides - they're Sickerettes! Of course, they'll make us sick!

Uh oh! I hear some Addicts out there saying, "Well, I'm not sick!" Well, yes, you are - maybe not physically (that you know about) but spiritually, mentally and emotionally! It can't be otherwise!

Did that stop me from gambling again? Heck, no! I needed the thrills and highs of beating the odds like a tight wire rope trick -

"Look at me! I smoke and there's nothing wrong with me! Ha Ha!"

Twisted - that's what my Addicted Brain was!

This dead leaf could make me feel more worthy? Of what? Dying slooooooowly?

I quit dozens of times and bargained some more -

"If I just quit for One Month (Six Months, One Year)  my lungs will be clear - and, the best part of all - my high will feel higher with less tobacco!"

What a genius! NOT!

Sunday March 14, 2010 was my Day of reckoning when the illusion of health, of winning, all came crashing down! The lung infection I had that day caused a fever of 102. The X-ray showed uncontestable evidence of emphysema. The bargain was over - the Lie revealed!

For me, Serial Quitting was supposed to be the Best of both Worlds. I could sometimes be Smober, sometimes be "Quit but smoking," sometimes be a Closet Smoker - but never have to be Recovered - that's too much to ask!

Well, rude awakening - Quit means Quit - not just smober - but actually doing the hard work of Recovery!

The good news - Recovery gave me what Sickerettes promised but never delivered - Comfort and Self Esteem!

If I had only known!

Now, you do!

Bargaining with your Addiction will never give you what you really want out of Life!

Recovery will!

Outcomes