43 days till I quit...again

Blog Post created by Tabbiekat on Oct 6, 2018

I am looking forward to my quit date. Some have asked me why wait so long. Some know that my husband passed 9/18/18 and I started smoking again after having quit 10/31/2017. I am using it as a comfort and distraction as I go through the grief. That first evening, my roommate who was my husbands best friend and a big brother to me, stepped out to smoke, I didn't want to be alone so I followed him. After he had a few puffs I said screw it and bummed a sickarette from him, at least he did hesitate and asked me if I was sure. Over the last 2 weeks it has been hit and miss on how much I smoke through the day. My smokers cough is back, my headaches are frequent, my clothes (especially my jacket) smell awful and my blood pressure is up. My doctor was going to take me off the blood pressure pills next month. He wanted me smoke free for a year. Well I have since increased my BP pills again.


Yeah, I am looking forward to quitting, but I am just not ready and I know from past attempts, unless I am ready it won't happen.


I choose Nov 19th as my quit date because  it is the Monday after my husbands 2nd celebration of life event and this next weekend some friends are holding a benefit auction in Kansas City for myself and a good family friend who has been out of work for a couple of months and still looking to be out of work for a few more months, he would have been fine, but his work screwed up on his short term disability paperwork and he is the one hurting because of it. A 3 1/2 hr drive by myself both ways and a lot of my friends out their smoke. Just not ready to say no. The first celebration of life is also going to be in Kansas City the first weekend of November, it is being held at a bar and I have a sneaky feeling my friends are going to try their hardest to get this widow drunk and we all know drinking is a huge trigger for smoking. 


For the 2nd celebration my husbands ex-wife is bringing their son from out of state. His older daughter that disowned him 2 years ago is planning on attending too. Not looking forward to that. I won't initially keep anyone from coming, but I did already tell my roommate I will not hesitate to ask anyone to leave if they cause problems. The main reason we are having the celebration is for his son. He didn't have a strong relationship with him, but at least this way his son will get a chance to get to know his dad through the friends and family that will be here celebrating his life.


I know it is not going to be an easy road, but once the celebrations and fundraisers are over I know I will have the ability to focus on myself. I know it will take awhile, but I do have to figure out where the next chapter of my life will lead me. The one thing I do know it will be a non-smoking me.