Just a blah kinda day

Blog Post created by Tabbiekat on Feb 4, 2018

96 days quit, I had my first vivid and drawn out dream about smoking. I was smoking a brand I haven't smoked in 16+yrs, I wasn't telling anyone I was smoking again, I lied to this community about it. Once I woke up I took my pills, took my dog outside and put some ice-melt down on the steps since my roommate was going out. I have a headache and my throat is sore to the point I feel like I was at a bar drinking and smoking last night. I wrote  couple of notes to others here on EX that I wanted to do first thing and finally got my coffee and have been contemplating the have to vs should do tasks for today. Really only have one have to, but know the more I get done today, the more I can focus on the want to do's tomorrow. I have been fighting a cold for a month now and know that is why I have the headache and sore throat, the warm days followed by below freezing, snow and windy days (today) followed by a warm day (tomorrow)  etc etc is not helping the head cold I do have.


Smoking is not and will never be an option again, but the dream was just crazy.


A bit about me, not sure if I have written about it before, but I mentioned to someone I would say a bit more about me. I am my husband's caretaker, I do have multiple sclerosis, for the most part I do okay day to day. If I write/type to much my hands start hurting at times. My memory is shot and I often mix up my words, both while speaking and typing, that's if I can figure out the right word to say/type in the first place. On good days I can type for hours and feel as my thoughts make sense, other days it just does not happen. Sometimes I can be here offering support and talking about what has worked for me, other days I am lucky if I can comprehend what I am reading enough to come back and reply later. I am an introvert and an empath so I feel as if I get my strings tugged in all directions at times. Days can go by where I am in constant contact then weeks can go by where I make no contact. I can read something and forget what was read or remember something from 5 years ago that no one else can recall. Hopefully some of that paragraph made sense and if nothing else take from it that my actions are not always a true expression of how I feel on any given situation.


I am proud to say I have been not smoking long enough to pay off the ring I bought back in November a couple weeks into my quit. It is just a simple band, I wear it as my wedding band (since I never had one) and I also  wear it as a constant reminder of my quit since I know I would have never bought it had I not quit.