It has been a rough morning for me. The edges are finally starting to smooth out. These are the mornings I need to be on alert. Nothing triggered it, I just woke up. The addiction was calling strong this morning as I rolled out of bed and frankly it just ruffles my feathers, puts me on edge and makes me miserable. I am almost at a month and the demon knows it is losing its grip on me, so it doesn't call as often but it calls louder. I will be glad when these days are past and become fewer. These are the days that I am terrified of losing my quit. I know only I can make that happen by purposely getting in my car and driving to the store. I stay in my pj's. I am not going anywhere in public in my pj's not even the store down the road. I will sit around all day just looking like I rolled out of bed, I don't care. As long as I keep the quit.
Normally here, I am jovial, upbeat and trying to make the best out of this quit. I like to make people laugh. I want to be encouraging and not a Debbie-downer or a Negative-Nelly (Sorry to all the Debbie's and Nelly's in the world). I want people to know it does get easier, and it really does. The majority of my days are great and I don't even think about smoking. I am so happy that I quit and I am working toward having a healthier life. But this morning, I think I need to show my dark moments that I have. To let people know that while I present this upbeat front and most of the time quitting is easy for me, I do have my moments where I struggle and I feel like I am holding on by my fingertips. But I hold on. Thankfully as time goes on, those are few and far between but I do have days like today. I know later on today, life will be good again. The feathers will smooth out and I will be having the time of my life.
Most of the time life is good. Don't get me wrong! I chose to make this quit easier by not feeding the demon and those nicotine receptors. In previous quits, I would have slipped and cheated by now several times and fed those things, making the quit harder and probably in a full blown relapse. This time I was truly ready to quit. I was just sick of it all, the cost , the smell, the damage. I am working on day 28 today. At 10 pm tonight, I will not have had a smoke in 4 weeks. That is a lot of time and not enough. I am still learning every day how to face the challenges that come my way with this quit. Never stop learning.
How you chose to handle your hard days is up to you. Sleep, craft, read, watch TV, cuddle your pet, eat all the chocolate, anything but smoking. Make good choices. It is a conscious decision to give in to smoking again. A slip just doesn't happen. It may feel like an out-of-body experience, but you consciously make those decisions. For me to have a slip today, I would have to make myself presentable, get in my car, start it, drive the mile to the store, get out of the car, go into the store, ASK for the pack, then open it , and light it. None of that is done on auto-pilot or subconsciously, those are deliberate actions. Those are all conscious decisions made on my part. I chose to sit around in my pj's with my hair a mess. Did I mention I have curly hair? IT IS A MESS!! Think a knotted up rat's nest. So I will sit around today being a hot mess and not smoking. Today I will be nice to myself. I will do what I want. I will do what makes me happy. BUT I WILL NOT SMOKE! And I will make good choices.
And a big thank you to all of those here that offer their support. I knew I could come here this morning and it would take the edge off and it did. I am already feeling better just having typed all this out....but I am still staying in my pj's Don't borrow trouble I say.
Hope everyone has a great smoke-free day!