I've been absent for about a week now. That's because several things happened. First, I started having allergic reactions to the patch I was using. I couldn't wear it for more than 8 hours let alone 24 hours but I knew I couldn't waste them by using multiple per day.
So one morning I woke up, and my body had been cleared of nicotine. I rummaged together $6.00 and bought cigarettes despite the pleads from my boyfriend. I think I smoked about 5-8 of them and then asked my boyfriend how I should destroy them to the point where they were unusable. He said to submerge them in water and tear them up. So I did.
I tried then to quit cold turkey. I couldn't do it. The feeling of my body in full nicotine withdrawal was the worst feeling ever. My mind was racing, my skin was crawling, my chest and stomach felt tight, and I just felt like I was going to explode any second. I NEVER want to go through that again, let alone for an extended period of time.
I'll admit the worst part now. I started to rummage through my parents' things looking for the key to their safe so I could buy more cigarettes. They found out and my dad lectured me, which I deserved. He said they can't trust me anymore since I've stolen from them before. My dad remarked how he never would have imagined his own daughter would @#$% him and his wife over -- he said this several times in those exact words.
And I made a deal with my boyfriend last night. I told him I would quit again. You see, I'm currently vaping (a very low amount of nicotine, but inhaling who-knows-what-kind-of crap nonetheless). It breaks my heart because he has lost three relatives to lung cancer and heart issues, and he doesn't want to take me to the doctor later in life for something we could have prevented.
And I now truly know how serious this addiction is. But I will NOT give up, I WILL quit again, and I WILL BE FREE. I am angry now. I'm back to my old self and I hate it. I'm back to doing nothing but vaping and browsing my phone. I'm upset and I want to quit so badly. But I'm going to do it right this time. And I will keep quitting until I quit forever. Nicotine and tobacco will not be my demise in the end.
New Quit Date: September 10th 17th
