There was nothing easy about the first 40 or so days of quitting, but it was all doable. I've done it before and have had success. I knew I could do it again.
But now I'm back where I was before and this time I'm hanging in there, mostly from just sheer stubborn. My real challenge is the same as it has always been: I haven't been able to make that mental turn from missing cigarettes to hating cigarettes and being glad I'm quit. I have bought into that being the key to making it into a long term quit and I've had a few days where I've been there, but it seems like I always slide back into that mild longing and secretly thinking about rewarding myself for quitting smoking by smoking.
And then just getting mad at myself.
I'm not really worried about giving in and smoking this time. I've done the "only one" thing before and know it doesn't work. I can stay quit.
But I want to be happy quit. And right now I just can't quite make that leap.