My name is Rachel and I've been smoke free for four days. I'm 48 and I have had two open heart surgeries to replace my mitral valve. I almost died at the age of 35 due to mitral valve prolapse due to a teeth cleaning. I'm a mom of three grown sons and a wife of 25 years to a wonderful man. I've smoked since I was 15/16 years old. I quit with no problem with all three pregnancies but always went back to smoking a couple months after giving birth. I thought after my first open heart I would never smoke again but once I started to feel normal again I went right back to smoking. Two years ago, my latest open heart, I tried really hard not to smoke once I got home from the hospital. I lasted a couple weeks. I have to have surgery every ten to twelve years to replace valve for the rest of my life. I have to beat this. Sometimes I worry I have a silent death wish. What is wrong with me, I've had my chest cracked open TWICE and I still choose to smoke and cause my body harm. I'm not a dumb person so I can't understand how I can reason with myself into smoking knowing it frickin killing me. My cardiologist and husband really laid into me in July and I know, I know it's time to quit. Every single friend I have is a smoker. I feel like I can't function properly without smoking. It's apart of me, who I've always been. I can't sleep and all I've been doing is eating sugar. I know I'm rambling but I'm going crazy!