I'm going crazy!

Blog Post created by RachelN on Aug 2, 2018

My name is Rachel and I've been smoke free for four days.  I'm 48 and I have had two open heart surgeries to replace my mitral valve.  I almost died at the age of 35 due to mitral valve prolapse due to a teeth cleaning.  I'm a mom of three grown sons and a wife of 25 years to a wonderful man.  I've smoked since I was 15/16 years old.  I quit with no problem with all three pregnancies but always went back to smoking a couple months after giving birth.  I thought after my first open heart I would never smoke again but once I started to feel normal again I went right back to smoking.  Two years ago, my latest open heart, I tried really hard not to smoke once I got home from the hospital.  I lasted a couple weeks.  I have to have surgery every ten to twelve years to replace valve for the rest of my life.  I have to beat this.  Sometimes I worry I have a silent death wish.  What is wrong with me,  I've had my chest cracked open TWICE  and I still choose to smoke and cause my body harm.  I'm not a dumb person so I can't understand how I can reason with myself into smoking knowing it frickin killing me.  My cardiologist and husband really laid into me in July and I know, I know it's time to quit.  Every single friend I have is a smoker.  I feel like I can't function properly without smoking.  It's apart of me, who I've always been.  I can't sleep and all I've been doing is eating sugar.  I know I'm rambling but I'm going crazy!