Still "thinking" about that gorilla.....

[Pops]

Good morning Family.....

I spent a good amount of time with a very dear friend of mine last night that I feel totally comfortable talking with.  In the course of our conversation, I confided in them that I was really struggling still with this huge gorilla on my back.  They suggested that I should consider blogging about it, that the message might not help me so much, as it could possibly help others here on the site to relate & perhaps see some of the pitfalls of this hideous addiction....not sure that my writing skills are up to snuff....but, I will attempt to convey some real feelings that I have been experiencing as of late...so what the hell, here goes nothing....(note, I will most likely be working on this for a couple of days, in that I really do not intend to be a ball & chain around anyone here in the EX community)

After my conversation with my friend last night, I sort of drifted to the story of the movie "Gorillas in the Midst" and found some interesting parallels to this perdicament that bonds us all together.  The tiring and sometimes very elusive journey to freedom from nicotine.

Imagine if you will....I have been in the jungle with this band of gorillas coexisting with them since I was less than ten years old.  In the beginning, I was a geat source of newness to them, and they in turn were doing wonders for me in discovering new ways to live and enjoy myself.  Times were great, and in their company I felt empowered to overcome any troublesome issue in my life.  (or so it seemed anyway) As time passed and I began to mature, I was becoming more and more aware of the dangers and risk I was exposing myself to by continuing to be faithful to this band of gorillas that I thought for so many years were irreplaceable in my life.  They on the other hand were continuing to live their lives as gorillas and simply could not relate to my skeptisism.  I mean after all, weren't they always there for me my entire life?  Well then, why the sudden change of heart?  How could I possibly walk away from them ater all we had been through?

Later in my life, after constant prodding from friends, family, loved ones and doctors begging me to get away from them and never return....my eyes opened & I could no longer simply pass on the fact that they were in fact causing me great harm to my social and physical growth.  It was time that I would need to make a clean break from that ever so comfortable way of life from days long ago.....

So....with sincere consternation and pure resolve to separate myself from that dangerous element, I was able to stay away from that very same band that had such a strong hold on my thought process for years.  I was finally free from them.  In my particular case, for over 13 years....I felt wonderful, my health greatly improved, my entire demeanor had underwent a 180 degree turn for the better.  Then one evening, I was caught off guard, and I got downwind of that familiar smell that I had for so many years associated with relief and comfort.  Then without a seconds thought I climbed back into that jungle to romp and play with the band again....aghhh it was so familiar, and better than I could even remember....

So there I was, back in the grips of a fantasy world once again....and there I stayed for almost 20 years.  Twenty years of destroying my self esteem and returning to a frail state of being.  (A direct result of overindulging in their company)  Then came a time in my life, where I could no longer ignore the harm that was being done to me from associating with this "familiar source of enjoyment that had turned into a deadly presence" in my life.  At the behest of my doctor, and my sincere desire to live a long and happy life....I reached out to this support group and was overwhelmed at the sheer number of people that could relate and show empathy and compassion and support in dealing with this huge obstacle.  Through that support, I was able to stay away from that danger for over a year and a half, and began to think that I had finally arrived at what I had hoped would be my final dance with those gorillas.

I might mention here, that about 20 some odd years ago, I attended an Al-anon convention in Northern California.  The main speaker spoke of the perils of being in love with an alcoholic.  He likened it to someone entering a cage with a gorilla to dance with them.  He then added, that the problem with that type of thinking is that quite simply, "you're not done dancing...until the gorilla says you're done dancing."  In other words....STAY OUT OF THE CAGE!

So back to my journey.  One day (not a particularly strong day for me as it turned out....), I felt that familiar urge to get back in touch with that band of gorillas, only to find they had never given up on me...they were more than happy to see me again, and immediately I began to participate in their dangerous way of life..Soon after I was back in their clutches again, I remembered how much better I felt, and all of the love and support that I had received here.  One night, I made a desparate escape and returned to this site, vowing to never return to that way of living.  That was 79 days ago.  Strangely though, I find that the inner peace and belonging that I once used to feel here, has greatly diminished.  I so long for that feeling again.  However, I feel that is probably not going to happen.  (sort of like I've outlived my welcome if you will...)  As of late, I find my inner self still thinking about that familiar band of gorillas.  Yes, I realize that it is an illusion, and that they won't help me to acheive my goals in life and health....but yet, I still think about them much more than I care to.

Please don't come at me from the other side of the safety railing looking at me down in that pit with the gorillas yelling "what's wrong with you?  we told you not to go back there....are you an idiot?"  That is not going to help.  I apologize in advance if this level of honesty makes you uncomfortable.  Please continue on your personal path to be free of this insideous addiction, as I would not wish this mental state on my worst enemy.

Pops with 79 days of struggling with that gorilla....

By the way, in case you don't remember the movie, it was an autobiograhy, and she was eventually mauled to death by the very same band of gorillas that she had loved most of her life....