Pao777

PAST PRESENT NOW

Blog Post created by Pao777 on Feb 20, 2017

It can be extremely hard - it being life; but I can overcome. Seems like I've become an expert at overcoming but not so much at being socially and professional successful. First I want to say, I am so thankful for my family regardless of our faults. Second I want to vent to the extreme. I going to lay it all out and it is ok with me if no one reads it because it feels so good to get it out. However, if you read this, it might just make you feel fortunate for your situation.

When I was in elementary school I would wake up to my dad beating my mother in the middle of the night. Often I didn't get much sleep. My mother would have a black eye or bruises on her some where usually upper arms. My dad later turned to beating my sister and I for typical childhood mistakes. I left home at 17. My dad in a drunken stupor put his hand in my shirt. There was high drama as my sister and mother tried to bring me home by force. I was staying in an apartment a friend's parent rented for me. Not much later I married that friend at the advice of a child welfare lawyer. She asked me mother to sign so I could be considered an adult at 17, and threatened her with what my dad did to me. She signed. Of course that ended in divorce and I was married three more times before I was 26. In my second marriage I wanted to get pregnant so I could have unconditional love in my life (from my baby). I was so immature and now I realize I was very confused about just what love is. My son is wonderful. I regret that I didn't have the maturity to provide  love and emotional support for my son. I hardly remember his childhood. I was so busy with my sick self. After my third marriage, and my daughter, I struggled for ten years to raise both of them on my own. I was still pretty busy with my sick self as I was still desperate for love and of course, I was looking in all the wrong places. When my son turned 18, he told me he was getting messages from the television. I told him only crazy people say that - stop it. I was in denial for about 3 months, maybe more. He was diagnosed with a schizoaffective disorder. I took him to HMMRA to get medication. It took him until he was about 23 or 24 to realize he could not stop taking his medication when he felt better. He lives with my husband and I and receives SSDI ($740/month), and runs out of money mid-month and asks us for more daily. This has been going on for years.  I don't see any change in the near future and often wonder what will happen to him when we are no longer here. My husband is in remission from Hodgkin's Lymphoma and has Sinus Tachycardia (fast heart rate). Doctor's concern is that his heart might "tire out". He is taking medication for this and we will see how it is working soon; he just started taking it. I got health insurance for my husband in September thinking he was loosing weight and something was wrong. I have Hep C and no health insurance. Life can be extremely hard but there is hope. We are just making ends meet financially. My anti-depressants stopped working recently and my doctor switched me to two very expensive medications. I haven't been able to hold a job for the past several years. My medications are only beginning to work. How have I done this? How? I must be strong but often don't feel like it. I am learning to love myself - regrets and all. God knows I am struggling with all this. I choose happiness and love today.

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