I needed to rant and get my thoughts on paper to better understand them. Thank you all for being here and allowing me to do so.
I am now at 163 days free. I feel like I'm still stuck in No Mans Land or I'm losing my motivation but I think its getting harder. The last 2 weeks especially has been hard. Not only have the cravings been worse but my mind has been thinking things like "just one more" or "you are still kinda young why not smoke for a few more years then quit again". And of course (mainly thanks to you all wonderful people) I know that is just the addiction talking. It is using anything and everything to make me start again and I'm doing my best to acknowledge the thought (its just Mr. Addiction again) listen to what he says ("just one more") and come up with a logical reply (No Mr Addiction I know it would not be just one more). So what has changed? Why is it getting harder? Lets see a big one would be we took Delilah to the vet and she does NOT have asthma. Yay!! Woohoo!! The vet actually said her lungs sounded good. So that's the best news we could hear, why is it making me want to smoke? Because that was one of the main top 2 reasons I quit smoking. I was so worried about Delilah's lungs and realized I couldn't stand myself if I hurt her with my smoking. And logic tells me "Dummy, of course you have damaged her lungs and Diesel's and Daisy's and Dalya's even if the damage was luckily so little it is undetectable" but Mr. Addiction says "Look you didn't even damage them enough to hurt her, she's okay so go ahead and smoke again. You know you want to." Of course I want to but I can't. I still know that smoking is not good for them and I still can't stand the thought of hurting them. Boyfriend and I have been talking about some of those life decisions lately and as much as I don't want to admit it, it is stressing me out a lot. We are trying to make decisions like do we want to live where we are or move? Do we want to get married and if so when? Do we want to have children and if so when? And the very hardest how can we change our budget to start saving money? Wow, talk about some serious life changing topics coming up and even more stressing they need an answer soon. Work hasn't helped much either. I am today on day 14 out of 20 straight days without a day off, and I am starting to feel the affects. I am so tired because of working so much and not sleeping well due to stress. Also it has been months since boyfriend or Mama has asked how my quit is going. I LOVED when they would ask and I could tell them however many days or weeks or months it has been and they would tell me how proud they were of me. But still as heavy as my little world sitting on my shoulders feels I know deep down that smoking won't help. So now that I have all the things holding me down out, let me count my blessings. I have a wonderful mother and father who love me so much (even if they forget the little details). I have a great boyfriend who has stuck by me though so so much and we are starting to plan a life together (yes this one went in both lists lol). I have 4 of the best 4 legged babies anyone could ask for AND they are all healthy. I have a great job and my boss even told my new employee that she was working for one of his best managers (YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!). And lets not forget I have all you wonderful, amazing, awesome people here helping me out and cheering me on in my quit. So life is good to me and I know what I have accomplished (patting myself on the back). Thank you all for always being here to lend an ear and speak a kind word. Now, I got this!
- Michelle
