Maryangela

Mind Games

Blog Post created by Maryangela on Jun 28, 2017

It rained today. A rainy day is a great day for sitting under the carport drinking  coffee and smoking.  Well, that's what my mind remembered as soon as I heard the rain.  I was so excited! You see, my housework was complete, I knew what I was going to cook for supper when my husband got home, and it was RAINING!  Ya-hoo, my mind said. I can go sit with coffee and cigarettes, hurry, go make coffee!  Of course this all happened in a sheer instant.  And just as quickly as I was so excited, I was completely deflated, lost, sad and but once again damn mad! I'm not doing so well in this battle with nicotene!  Blah, blech, crap!  I'm so disgusted with everything.  Short tempered with my wonderful, patient and kind husband.  Frustrated with the world and sick if my " cry baby tit tit" attitude.(As my nephew calls it)!  Nine days until my life altering surgery, and eight weeks more after that, and then I can smoke!  This is the sickness that runs thru my mind daily.  I can certainly justify smoking.  You see, I know someone who died of throat cancer and never smoked a cigarette in her life!  I also know two other women who had to have both breasts removed due to cancer and they never smoked!  I know someone who is fixing to lose the battle with cancer and he was a fitness guru, having never smoked. So there now, doesn't that give me justification, I could die of cancer even if I never smoked at all!  I know, I know, sick thinking, right?  Well, I'm sick alright, because that's all I can think of!  Today, yesterday and the day before, I just want to smoke!  I'm weak, I'm sick and I'm scared!  I'm scared more than anything that as soon as I'm released from the Dr.  that I'm going to go right back to it.  I'm scared, because the wheezing that had begun at night scared me!  I'm scared, because the money that I had racked up on my credit card for cigarettes will soon be paid off!  I'm scared, because I don't want to die of suffocation!  I'm scared....... because I AM WEAK! 

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