MaryRobin

Two Weeks to Being an Ex

Blog Post created by MaryRobin on Sep 11, 2019

14 days to go, and already signs of quitting are very real. I have gone from smoking 1 pod a day to 1 pod every 4 days (soon to be 5, after tomorrow), and the last two days I have had crazy blocked sinuses, watery eyes, a wheeze (although this is better/gone tonight), and a cough that fluctuates between a “wet” cough with yucky funk in the back of my throat to a dry, hacking cough, as if I have swallowed dust. I had a bit of chest/back pain, but I figured out this was simply from using new muscles to cough this stuff up.... In short, my body is beginning to already prepare, and it is helping me in the process.

Going slowly on my decrease of nicotine as I step towards my last two weeks is strangely encouraging. To anyone who doesn’t know I am in the process of quitting (which is most people, although I have begun telling people slowly just today), it would seem as though I have a cold. To me, as I research, ask questions and learn, my body is cleaning itself out. (Sorry to be gross, but the amount of mucus that has come out of my nose and throat is ridiculous! I am only 105 lbs and I swear it’s half my body weight already- disgusting!) It is a real turn off to continue vaping..... I couldn’t believe how much was left in my pod tonight....I took a few extra hits because, well, I could, and I didn’t enjoy it....It is changing for me. What used to be a desperate run to the bathroom to take a hit for pleasure is now....what I need to do?? Almost. I am still grateful it is an option....but I am feeling less like I “need” it. It is an option and one I will soon be free of needing for good.

I am not fooling myself: once these symptoms of withdrawal pass, I may miss that option. But I will replace that with the will and desire to live! Live freely and healthfully. 

When I take a hit, my heart feels heavy. Guilty, and in a way I was not aware of before, I feel the pain I am causing myself, literally. I have been a smoker of cigarettes and vape for approximately 25 years, and it scares me a bit to admit that I am excited to see what is on the other side of my addiction in a way that used to excite me to sneak a smoke! 

When I was a teen and started, it made me feel free to do something I wasn’t supposed to like smoke. Now, I am embarrassed by it and hide it from nearly everyone who knows me. I want to be my authentic self again- that girl who is curious and eager to live life to the fullest....I don’t want to fear I most certainly will die of cancer or self harm from smoking/vaping. 

My husband has never smoked. He has been having serious heart issues for the past six months and may need surgery. His health is not his choice- it is a genetic issue. I have a choice- to live....We have two children: 11 and 13 years old. Who am I not to choose to live for them, especially with his health wavering? 

These are my thoughts with two weeks to go; I hope I continue to become stronger and more clear in my conviction to quit when my time comes. (As I type this, my cough reminds me where I am in this process.)

Best to all of you out there who may read this. I hope that someday soon, I will be strong enough to inspire others who want to quit and save their own lives, as well. Cheers to those of you who have responded to my questions, replied to my blog, and who inspire those of us still very much on this journey. We all are still on this journey, aren’t we? Addiction is for life- AND one can WIN, I know it is true because of you- thank you.

Goodnight and here’s to tomorrow.

Outcomes