I am so grateful that I was able to quit during this time. I imagine how susceptible I would be to covid-19 if I were actively smoking. Yet, I know the threat of covid wouldn't stop me if I were still in the throes of nicotine addiction. I would understand intellectually how at risk I was putting myself continuing to smoke but that would not stop me because nicotine addiction was stronger than I was.
Next comes the humiliation I would be feeling every time I went outside to smoke. I would be especially embarrassed to smoke during this time so I'd go to any lengths to hide it. Going for a drive in my car was always an answer as my internal voice would say, "I want to enjoy a few smokes and the only place I can do that is in my car". Oh, how my car smelled. What an insane addiction!
Today, I am free. Nicotine no longer controls me, my wallet, or my actions. I am so grateful. I do not allow myself to forget how terrible nicotine addiction is.
I come here (ex-community) to get a reminder of how addictive nicotine is. I don't want to forget. When I read the person with 1 hour of nicotine freedom or two weeks quit, they remind me of how painful quitting is and I wonder, "will they be able to find the key to freedom?" I need to hear those voices in pain to remind me I am no different. I remind myself by writing about it in my journal, watching people actively smoking and I witness the chains of addiction in front of me.
Quick story. Yesterday I was at a small exhibition which had two separate building locations. Both were on a slight hill. I watched a woman walking up the hill smoking a cigarette. I watched as she struggled to breathe walking uphill but not willing to throw that cigarette away. Her breathing was labored, she looked unhappy, she looked unhealthy. I focused on her because I needed to remind myself what she was doing, I had done hundreds of time. But not today, I've been given a reprieve.
I'm filled with gratitude that I took this final chance to quit and I am free. I can never pick up another cigarette, not one puff, if I do, I may never be able to quit again.
I treasure this quit and I must take care of it.
Thanks for listening and allowing me to remind myself of how close I am to picking up nicotine and becoming imprisoned again.
Thanks for helping me stay nicotine free today. Margaret