today is day 86 and I drove to the gas station. Had a tender in my hand and was ready for a box of Marlboro ultra light and a cheap lighter. i was resigned to it. Can you believe that? I Sat in the parking lot, and thought of all of you. Wondered how I would describe my slip. Would it be a relapse? A slip? A mistake in judgement? No. I would have made a very conscious decision to light up.
Smoking would NOT have helped me in the long term. I do know that. I really do.
If im going to be perfectly honest, there was about a 2 hour period today where I was talking myself into smoking. Why it would relieve this panicky, anxious, miserable feeling I've been experiencing.
I almost had myself convinced.
Then, I snapped out of it. "the only way out is through".
This has SUCKED. But it's going to get better. It can't get worse, right?;-)
My brain chemistry is doing some work. I know that I know that I KNOW this to be true. It's a chemical storm right now, and I need to ride it out. I was a happy quitter until just recently. (Relatively speaking)
once I snapped out of it this afternoon, I did feel a little better this evening. Still anxious, still wired backward, but coming out the other side I believe.
If you are a person of faith, please pray for me. I have been using up all my reserves lately.
I've eluded a little to my recent struggles, but haven't let on how bad it is, but now I've realized there is no sense in keeping to myself. We are all in this together. And I know I'm not the only one. So here we are, here I am, smoke free although somewhat fractured today.
Hoping for a better day tomorrow!!! Xoxo
