Peeling Back The Onion

Blog Post created by Lauralives on Nov 14, 2018

Sweet Friends,

Happy Hump Day.  I feel a little awkward sharing and commenting here as I haven't quit smoking yet but I am pushing forward.  They say when it rains it pours.  There sure have been a lot of challenges this year.  I feel like I am moving closer to closure on some important issues and then can open up to new experiences.

The arbitration still isn't complete.  I have had to go to the local county clerk and file papers.  I thought I was done but then the judge wanted more legal information so I dug deep in the internet and hope I have provided what he wanted.  I filed those papers yesterday.  I refuse to retain an attorney.  I am tapped out financially, emotionally, physically.  It is frustrating how much push back I am encountering.  I suppose at this point he either denies or accepts this case and holds the contractor accountable.  Like I said to Elvan, there will be justice at some level.  We are all held accountable eventually.

My sweet dog Ivan is quite the challenge.  We are using a different trainer because we weren't making any progress.  He wants to use the prong collar but says we NEVER want to hurt the dog.  He only showed me quickly how to use it at the end of our last session.  I ordered one and they sent me the wrong one. A blessing.  I cried when I went to see my therapist and we revealed that I couldn't use it without more direction.  I was physically hurt as a child and teenager and this brought that back up.  I need to know exactly how to use this to guide Ivan.  Being hurt by someone who is supposed to love you leaves deep scars and I will never do that.  My new trainer is fine with having a full session on prong collar training.   I love Ivan and he is so sweet and he trusts me.  These memories always come up to be healed.  What a wonderful opportunity for me to revisit, forgive and reconnect with the softest most loving part of me that is committed to causing no harm.

My ex husband, who I have gone back and forth with for several years is coming over on Friday to pick up his things.  He lives out of state now.  I am happy to pack them up and feel I can finally move forward.  Of course I have tons of emotions connected to him but sometimes what you have said a million times doesn't need to be revisited.  There are times when people just don't understand and it is okay.  I bless him and hope he is happy.  We don't want the same things and it's time to move forward.

The Elephant in the room.  Smoking.  The bicycle accident started a downward spiral for me back in May.  Then the remodel, arbitration, Ivan, Ex husband.  Blah, Blah, Blah.  But what I did instead of loving myself through all these challenges was start smoking again.  Why do some of us go back to abusing ourselves and punishing ourselves?  Healing needs to happen at a deeper level perhaps.  I am open to healing.  Open to feeling those feelings that are surfacing now and in the future.  Using the support I have in my life with friends, my therapist and especially on this site will help me to succeed. 

Thank you all for listening and supporting all of us here.  Thank you for not giving up on me.